This Again?

 This spring I lost two friends.   Gone.  That's it.

 I was instructed to avoid contact with both, because of the nature of how I lost them.

 Six months.... six hard months of praying hard, everyday for those two.   And secretly hoping one day we could be friends again... tho' that's "impossible" with what happened.

 All the hurt of these last six months, no one knows... tho' some have had to put up with quite a bit of it.

 I thought it was all over now.  All that's left is to try and put the pieces back together, and somehow heal...

 The healing process feels more like dying than anything.  And in many ways, it is.

 The thought of going on without just one of them, the rest of my life is crushing; but both?

 This has all been spread out over four years really. But this year has been the worst.

 This last year so many questions have been swirling through my mind.  I'm uncertain of so much.

 Just when I start to find answers, more questions arise.   I've been in total upheaval all year.  I thought it was all settling down...

 Now one of them is trying to come back as a friend...  I've prayed for this for months now!
 I've wanted so badly for them to come back.... but things will never be the same.

 That scared me at first because of how I'm supposed to avoid contact.  But Dad said it's okay.

 I told them I would always be their friend, wether we could have contact or not.... but now with them maybe coming back... I'm torn.

 Things can never be the same again. And with what has happened, I wouldn't want it to be.  But now it's all kinds of hurt all over again.

 After six months of trying to forget, to "turn the page" and move on, now that "page" is opening up again on it's own.   It hurts.

 My heart wasn't ready to lose them.  Now it's not ready to receive them again.

 How un-Christlike is that?!

 It's appalling to find that after loving them so much, for so long, I have trouble taking them back into my trust as a friend.

 With each new thing that happens, I see even more, how shallow I am. How sinful my human nature is.

 Oh how black, and disgusting sin is!  How truly awful it is!  How difficult it is to cut it off, and cast it from me.  

 If not for the grace of God.... I shudder to think how horrible I would be.   I'm horrible enough as it is!!

 How good God is! How truly awesome, wonderful and forgiving He is!    

 Oh that He would make me like Him more and more... even tho' it hurts.

 All the hurt I've felt the last several months, and how God has helped me through it, all the way.   And then to think that I have been panicking, and nervous these last few days.... how quickly I forget.

 Let all who need a friend find one in me.  They will find me with arms, and heart open and ready to receive them.   God does it for me, how could I not then do it for others?

 Tho' I may have trouble trusting others, I can always trust my Saviour, and always will.


                                     Hallie