Friday, April 26, 2013

It's Spring!

 Spring cleaning... I could do this the rest of my life!!! :D Oh wait....

 There is just something about nice, 60 degree weather, having the windows open, an old record playing, and being on your hands and knees scrubbing floors. It's so fun! It's so enjoyable. :D

 Who ever said that being a stay at home daughter was boring, and a waste of your life?  It's so fulfilling to scurry about cleaning, cooking and singing. :)

 I've tried the whole deal of going to work and helping to support the family. That's fun and all. It's great to know you're able to help the family, and be useful to others.
 It's great having opportunity to witness to others while you work.   But there is nothing like being a homemaker. :D

 Proverbs 31:13
 She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.

 Part of "worketh willingly with her hands" is house work.  And it can be fun!  Provided we have the right heart attitude. 

 Proverbs 31:17
 She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.

 Believe me. It takes strength to scrub floors ;)  Staying at home does not mean you're doing nothing! There is So much to do at home. 

 Proverbs 31:27
She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.

 Looking well to the ways of your household... that can be taken many different place, and still not be off topic. :)  

 I think most of us see it as keeping things running smoothly. Having supper on the table at a good time, keeping things clean, and tidy.   But it goes deeper than that. 

 There is more to looking well the ways of your household than having the house clean.  There must be a joyful spirit, a cheerful, humble attitude.  

 A Servant's Heart ~ Ron Hamilton

Make me a servant like you, dear Lord, Living for others each day.
Humble and meek, helping the weak, Loving in all that I say

Make me a witness like You dear Lord, Showing the love of the cross,
Sharing Your Word till all have heard, Serving whatever the cost.

Give me Lord, a servant's heart. Here's my life take every part. Give me Lord a servant's heart.
Help me draw so close to You that Your love comes shining through. 
Give me Lord, a servant's heart. Give me Lord a servant's heart.

 Rather than just getting/keeping the house clean, we should be ever cheerful, and encouraging to those around us.  

 If we are truly Daughters Of The King, we will reflect His image.  We will be the "happy homemaker" He intended us to be. :) 

 It is so fulfilling to have a clean house, a nice meal on the table and a bright, cheerful smile on the face when the others come in, tired from work.   When there is so much pressure on everyone, it's nice for them to see one cheerful face when they come home.  And I'm going to be sure they see it here in "my" home. :) 

 It's glorious to be a stay at home daughter, and to be in training.   Cleaning is so fun! Especially with good music to sing along with, birds singing outside, and a fresh spring breeze coming in the windows. :D

Proverbs 31:31
Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.

Colossians 3:23-24
And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men;
Knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ.

           Happily Homemaking


Pride, Fear, And...Forgiveness?

 Here I sit, with tears in my eyes.  The pain is too much to hold them in... but the pride is too much to let them out.   What's right? 

 Is it right to cry?   Isn't it a weakness? Isn't it an insult?   How is it relying on God, if you can't even hide tears? 

 If you let out the tears, and others see... what then?  If you can hide the emotion, then nobody else is bothered, and the only place you have to turn is to God.  Right? 

 But what about tears being a natural relief?  What about them helping/soothing?  God gave the ability to cry for a reason. Is it a sin not to cry? 

 Is crying really the issue?  I think not. Rather, the issue is pride.  

 It seems there should be nothing left of pride with all that has happened.  There always comes a breaking point... and I reached it months ago.  Why this pride still? 

 When you're sweeping the floor, merrily singing, thinking about the next job that has to be done, and you look up... right at a picture you had forgotten was there. A picture you wish you never had... yet could never do without.   The picture of a dear friend, from years ago... the picture of a face that was ever bright, and happy. A face that ever beamed life, and enthusiasm. Eyes that were full of innocence and truth.   That face that is now covered in guilt, and shame. Those eyes that once spoke truth and innocence, are now dead, and empty.  The face that was the picture of life and youth; now looks ten years older, and has a deadness to it.  That picture is of one who was the living example of honor and truth.... that picture is all that's left of them. And it brings memories to mind that nearly kill you from the overwhelming pain of loss. 

 Suddenly the tears well up, and blind you.  It was sudden, and unexpected.  But it's showing weakness to allow those tears to fall. So there you are frantically blinking back the tears, and hurriedly going on with your work, trying to forget... trying to act as if nothing were wrong.  

 Is that right?  Is it being strong? Or is it being stubborn and prideful? 

 I'm ashamed to say... it's being stubborn and prideful.   Sure, we must be strong for others.  But being "strong" (properly called "stubborn") when there is no one to be strong for?  That's pure pride.  It's pure idiocy. 

 Good grief, even Jesus wept!  He wept over the loss of a friend! He cried in front of people!   
 It's not wrong to show emotion, if it's honest grief, and not just putting on a show to get sympathy.  

 It is possible to cry, and still be strong.  Crying strengthens.   It's a "pressure release valve".  
 You can only build up so much pressure before something explodes.  And honestly, you have to pity the poor person that happens to be there when it blows! 

 It's so much better to quietly release some of the grief, than to hide it all away, just to "blow up" at someone later on. 

 I used to think I would be an exception to the rule. - Well, I'll be tough, and not cry, no matter what. It can be done, and I'll do it. - Hog wash!   It doesn't work.   We're all the same. 

 Pride is stupid, and I am if I retain it. 

 Pride (in me) stems from fear.  I'm always fearing what others will think. What others will say.   But what does it matter? All that matters is what God thinks, what God says.  

 That's not to say we should just live our lives how we want, and think; Oh, well God knows my heart, so it doesn't matter what others think.    No. That's not it at all.   We're to live according to God's word, and be honorable, diligent, truthful, faithful. All of those things.   We are to have a clean conscience before God. But our lives are to reflect the image of Christ to those around us. 

 In all that's happened, I've been blaming myself for things beyond my control.  Things that were never my burden to carry, and I've been carrying them.   I've been trying to do God's job! 

 In trying to bear these burdens that were never mine to bear, I've been basically telling God that I can't trust Him to deal with it.   Which comes back to pride.   

 When I realize that I can't bear these things, then I feel a total failure because I couldn't do it.   And I have trouble forgiving myself.  And since I can't forgive myself, I have trouble accepting forgiveness of others.    I don't feel worthy of forgiveness. 

 I know what I am. I don't deserve forgiveness. 

 God has been bringing me to the point where I see I've got to forgive others, no matter what it is. I can't hold it against them. It's not right. 

 So why do I hold it against myself? Why do I not forgive myself?  Doesn't that go right along with forgiving others? 

 Here's why I don't forgive myself.  Because it seems totally selfish to think of self at all.  It seems totally wrong to say/think anything good about oneself.   So, therefore it would be equally wrong to forgive myself, because that would be something good towards me, and it's not deserved; it's totally selfish, so it's wrong.  (Don't ask why on any of that. I've already traced the thoughts back this far, and it's absolutely annoying how stupid it is. There is no desire to find just how shallow it really is) 

 As a dear friend pointed out. That's an insult to God.  That in itself is wrong. 

 It's extremely humbling to trace your thoughts all the way back, and find just how shallow you really are.  It's extremely annoying to find just how silly it all is.   But if we don't get to the root of the problem, there will never be any fixing it.  

 Oh, to be humble, and willing enough to let Christ do His work in me. 

 I've been SO blessed to have friends, who when they had every right to walk away from me, and shun me for my stupidity, and lack of wisdom; chose to forgive me.  

 This one thing that was said, is something I, myself have said before... but never could expect to hear myself.   "Please know that I completely forgive you, and I hold nothing against you."
 Isn't that what God does too? 

 Something a friend said that really struck me... "I've come to realize that many people esteem me much higher than they would if they saw what was in my mind." How true. And how easily I forget that.

 With a God like Him, and the sort of friends He sends, what is there to fear? Why let pride rear it's ugly head?   God is so good to those who love Him. :)  

  Now, having said all of that, if you'll excuse me, I believe it's time for a good cry.  ;)


Sunday, April 14, 2013

Hey! Why Is Everyone Still Living?!

 EVERYBODY STOP!!!!! Can't you see the world has ended?! There's nothing left! There's no point in going on! STOP!!  What's wrong with people that they can go on after the world has ended?! 

 It's been forever since I did anything with my blog... and SO much has happened.  There's no way to fit it all in one post, so I might be a while jotting down all I've learned in the last month.  One thing is for sure; even with all the pain, it was worth it.  It was worth it, because God taught me things I never would have learned without these trials. 

 This last month - I can safely say - has been the hardest of my life.   But through the trials and hardships God shows Himself strong, and He "works in ways I cannot see" but they are God's perfect way. I can trust Him. 

 It seems everything that can go wrong, has.  But the thing that has hurt the most is losing two of my best friends. 

 Two friends that knew what was right, that had encouraged me, and others in the right.  Two of the greatest "siblings" there ever was.... two dearest friends that outright lied to me, and to others.   

 After all the talks we had, after all that they said they stood for. All that they helped others make a stand for... they rejected it themselves, and turned from the right.... all in an instant almost.  How? Why?!  What caused it?  Was it me?  Did I fail them somewhere? 

 Just a few months ago I could truthfully say this about both of them.... 

When I enter Heaven's glory
And I see my Savior's face,
I will offer Him ten thousand years of praise.
Then I'll find that special one
In whose life I saw God's Son, 
And thru tears of joy with trembling lips these words I'll say:

"I saw Jesus in you,
I saw Jesus in you,
I could hear His voice in the words you said--
I saw Jesus in you.  
In your eyes I saw His care,
I could see His love was there.
You were faithful, 
And I saw Jesus in you."

 The part that gets me most... "You were faithful, and I saw Jesus in you..." not anymore. Why not?  Why is faithfulness something that is not practiced anymore?    If we are to follow Christ's example - He was faithful - wasn't He?  Why then do we not remain faithful to His cause? To His standard? To His people? 

 There are so many questions swirling through my mind right now.... What happened? Was it me? What did I do? How do I fix it? Where did I go wrong? Did I not encourage them enough? - you name it.  I've been agonizing over them.   Why did this happen?  Why did two of the greatest people suddenly go down?  Why TWO at the same time?! 

 I think the main question going through my mind right now is - Is there repentance for them anymore? or was that it... is there no "second chance"? 

I dreamed I had gone to that cityThat city where never comes nightAnd I saw the bright angels in gloryI saw the fair mansions of lightI gazed for long, long years of raptureOn the face of my Savior so trueAnd I sang with the seraphim holyThen I dreamed I searched Heaven for you.

ChorusI dreamed I searched Heaven for youSearched vainly through Heaven for youOh won't you prepare to meet me up there?Lest we should search Heaven for you.
I looked on both sides of the riverThat flows through the city of GodI searched through bright mansions celestialAnd streets of gold pavement I trodThe faces of saints by the millionI scanned in my yearning to seeThat face I had cherished so fondlyThe face that had grown dear to me.
I asked of ten thousand sweet angelsHave you seen this beloved one, pray tell?Have you met in the bright courts of HeavenThat one whom on earth we loved well?They shook their heads sadly and told meThat they had not seen you, and thenI knew that somewhere in the darknessYou wandered, lost in your sin

 I trusted these two implicitly.  I knew I could.  The one had proved it to me over, and over again that they could be trusted.   But where I went wrong was that I was trusting them more than I was trusting God.  That's one of the most fatal mistakes. 

 As is becoming my normal... I have latched onto another of Ron Hamilton's songs in all of this....

 Abba, Father

Father, hold me safe in Your arms;
Father keep me free from all harm.
I cast my care on You Just like a child should do 
Trusting, loving all that You are.

Abba Father, I rest in You;
You're always faithful, 
You're always true.
Abba, Father, You are my song
Though clouds are dark, 
Though night is long. 
I cry to You, Abba Father.

Father, help me lean on You more 
Through each valley, through ev'ry storm
Help me when I can't see Your will is best for me;
Love me, hold me sheltered and warm.

Abba Father, I rest in You;
You're always faithful, 
You're always true.
Abba, Father, You are my song
Though clouds are dark, 
Though night is long. 
I cry to You, Abba Father.

Father, mold me, make me like new, 
Guide my footsteps, keep my heart true
So that the world may see your like-ness lives in me.
Break me,  shape me, make me like You.

Abba Father, I rest in You;
You're always faithful, 
You're always true.
Abba, Father, You are my song
Though clouds are dark, 
Though night is long. 
I cry to You, Abba Father.

That song is so true for me right now... "Father, help me lean on You more, Through each valley, through ev'ry storm" "You're always faithful, You're always true"  Oh if I could only remember that always.  Oh that I would fully trust Him, and let Him guide me; rather than looking to others in times of trial, and hardship. 

 Friendship is one of the greatest gifts from God... but I was misusing it.  Oh shame to me that I allowed myself to do such a thing!  Rather than relying on God, and being a service to others, I've been relying on others, and being of no service to God. 
 You don't realize just how much you love someone, until you lose them... then you see how much you depended on them, rather than God. 

 I don't want to go on relying on others.  Partly because I can't handle the hurt anymore.... But mostly because I want to be pleasing to my Lord. And to be pleasing to Him, I have to follow His commands; and His commands are to trust Him, and be faithful to His cause.   I can't trust Him if I'm not relying on Him. 

When I stand before my Father
To receive my life's reward, 
And my soul is bathed in God's eternal day,
When this race on earth is run,
And God sees the works I've done,
More than anything I long to hear my Father say:

"I saw Jesus in you,
I saw Jesus in you,
I could hear His voice in the words you said--
I saw Jesus in you.  
In your eyes I saw His care,
I could see His love was there.
You were faithful, 
And I saw Jesus in you."

 I can't answer for these two friends.  I can't say what's in their hearts anymore... tho' at one point I probably could have.  But I can, and must answer for me.  Regardless of if they stayed faithful or not, I have to.   

 One thing for certain... God has shown me the importance of faithfulness.  And by God's grace I will remain faithful to Him, and to His people.  No. Matter. What.  

 There comes a point when you have to choose to love someone.  I'm at that point.  And as Mom says "come hell or high water" I'm going to do what's right. I'm going to go God's way. I'm going to love them in spite of all that has happened.  I can't choose for them. I can't explain why they did what they did. But I can make sure I don't fall in the same pit. 

 Alright. I suppose everything is alright. God is in control.  You may all go back to whatever you were doing.  ;) 
         Trusting Him