Friday, November 23, 2012

A Confession

 Alright this has been weighing on me for a while, and I've been putting it off.   So, here it is finally, 'twill be done and no need to be bothered by it anymore. :) 

 You all may think of me as the kind that has to be in the middle of everything. And you're right.  But I'm also a watcher.  

 I love to take part in everything that goes on.  Mostly when there is lots of fun. ;)   I love people, and want to be there for them.  Be it goofing off, having deep discussions, or trying to help them through hard times or trials. 

 But, I have always felt that I don't fit anywhere.  So, in trying to fit I get in on everything: debates, joking, teasing, discussions, you name it.  Then when I don't seem to fit in, I get to feeling less than acceptable, and so pull out and don't hardly take part in anything.  So yes, I'm weird.  Always have been. ;) 

 I've always had a need to be with people. One that I'm trying to overcome. (haha)  So in trying to fill that need, I tend to over burden all you dear people. :P Terribly sorry about that. 

 I get in on all the fun, and the debates, or whatever... but I seem to be looking on from the outside.  It's like everyone else is having fun, and I'm looking on.  I don't fit. 

 It always seems I'm looking on. 

 When others are having fun, I'm looking on laughing.  Or else getting involved and spoiling the fun for others. 
 When others are debating, I look on in amazement.  Or else take part, and spout my ignorance. 
 When others are hurting, I look on and ache to be of help.  Or else try to help, and just make things worse. 

 Lately I've struggled with seeing others having fun.... and I don't fit. 
 Struggling with others being so smart.... and I don't fit. 
 Others are hurting.... and I want to help.  But I have my own hurts that need dealing with. 

 For most of my life I tried to just fit in, or make others fit in with me.  That didn't work. 

 The last few years I've realized how selfish I've been... and in trying to fix it, I've just made bigger messes. 

 I've been hurt because of my own ignorance and recklessness.  It's been my own fault.  For a few years I've just focused on that.   Focused on my own shortcomings so much, that now I have trouble accepting who I am in Christ. 

 My focus has been wrong.  And God has been dealing with me on that lately.

 The last three years I started to see the hurt around me, and got the idea that if I could help others maybe I couldn't get in anymore trouble myself....   So I internalized my own hurts, and thought I had gotten over them.   I thought if I internalized them, and just never let them out... they'd go away.  HA!  They just got worse. 

 I've been internalizing my own hurts, and giving, giving, giving.  I feel so selfish if I'm not giving.  

 Now I'm an onlooker in life.  I see fun, but don't seem to fit in.  I see "fights" but can't seem to take part anymore.  I see hurt, but don't know how to help.  I have my own hurt... and can't do a thing about it. 

 I see others enjoying themselves... and I sit back and laugh until it hurts; not because of the laughing... but because I don't fit.  
 I see others debating, and I sit back in awe... until I start to feel guilty for not helping... or else making a mess of it. 
 I see others hurting... and my heart aches because I can't do a thing about it.  And I want to. 

 I see others together with those they love.... and I sit back in the shadows with all my dreams staring me in the face... all those dreams I thought I had given up... 
 When the one you love, loves someone else... what do you do?   How to deal with it?   How do you help them, without them knowing what you're feeling?   How do you know about them being with another... and know how to deal with it? 

 When all your dreams are shattered right before your eyes.  When there is so much uncertainty and heartache... how do you deal with it? how do you help them... when you, yourself need help?   When the only ones you can turn to are too busy... then what?   When the one you love the best  is giving the love you always wanted, to another... then what? 

 When all your dearest friends either move away, or get busy... who do you turn to? 

 I'm always open to new friends... always.  But at times one misses the old friends... 

 So when you, yourself are open and bleeding inside... how do you hide it?  How do you help others when you don't know how?  How do you give to others when you have nothing left to give?  

 I know, I haven't been hiding it well. I don't know how to.  
 I tend to think that everyone knows everything about me, so I go off that assumption and allow things to hurt me that were never meant to be hurtful. 
 But along with that, I go on as if nobody knows any of it.  And so come across as self confident and stuck up. :P   When "self confident" is the farthest thing from my mind. And I'm always straining every nerve not to be stuck up. (which - thus far - has been a failure.) :} 

 I've internalized for so long... I honestly have been afraid to let it out.  I don't know how to let it out.  And to who?  Who is it appropriate to open up to?  Is it right to open up?  Isn't it selfish? 

 I've been telling some of you not to hold it in. Don't internalize.  It's so damaging... believe me. I know.   I've been telling you no problem is too small to take to God, and to talk to others about.   I've been telling you that you are worth it, and no matter how "small" the problem, it's legitimate and needs to be dealt with....

 And I believe that.   I would never tell you something I don't believe.   I could even give chapter and verse for a lot of what I say.... but when it comes to me... I have trouble applying it. 

 I tell you you're accepted by God.  I tell you that when your friends walk away, it's not what you did... it's them that's missing out.  The problem is with them... and I believe that. 

 But for me, I have this thing in the back of my mind, that I'm somehow subhuman.  That I'm not worth it.  That I'm the problem.  That I'm not enough.  That I didn't do enough.   
 All those things I've told you... I can't believe for myself.   Thanks to a "brother" (you know who you are... {see, I didn't use your name ;D} haha) I've been seeing just how wrong that is. 

 In all of this, I've been telling you all to bring your struggles to Him. The Almighty God.   ...But when it's me... I feel I'm not good enough.  My problems aren't worth His time. I'm not worth Him messing with. 

 I pray for most of you daily.  Certain ones of you I do pray for daily.   But me... I had't prayed for me since... I can't remember when. 

 I've been learning through my trials, yes.  God has been revealing Himself to me more, yes... but not to the level He could... because I've put up a wall. 

 I've put up a wall... not just one, many.   Some people I let past the first wall, and no further.  Others I'll let a little further in... but there is still reserve.  There's only one dear "sister" that I've let in most all the way... but even with her, I haven't let her all the way in; because I've been afraid of what people would say if they knew all about me. 

 All of my life, I've struggled with the way I look.  How all you girls around me are so pretty. You're all "raving beauties" in one way or another.  I'm not.  I never have been pretty... "homely" might be too pretty to describe me. :P 

 All my life I've struggled with my weight.  How I've always been "huge" instead of a toothpick and all, like other girls.    I've been called "fat" so many times that I've lost count. (and yes, I was counting for a while :P)  I've laughed it off every time... but inside it cut to the quick.   I can't do a thing about my weight.   For five years I was mowing lawns in the neighborhood.  I was riding my bike two miles to the store and back, every chance I got.   I walked all over town, and did as much bike riding as I could.    The weight is not a lack of exercise by any stretch. 
 I never ran much, because of the over weight "jiggle" that was/is terribly embarrassing;  and because I have asthma, and can't breath after running for only a few yards. 

 I have lost a bit of weight recently. The asthma is getting better. I can run a fair distance now... but I'm still far from normal. 

 For years I've laughed off the insults because, fat people are always portrayed as being wimps, and weepy.  So, when you're fat you don't cry under any circumstances. Ever. 

 When I was little I earned the nick name "Happy Hallie" because I was always laughing.  Well when I got fat, and quit being cute, and couldn't do things the same anymore, and got hurt a lot; I couldn't suddenly change and be serious all the time.    I'm still a bit crazy and all ;)  But certainly not the "Happy Hallie" I once was.  So up until now, I've laughed things off outwardly, and internalized the hurt. 

 I've always felt shut out... so my solution was to force my way in.  That's wrong. 

 Two years ago, I had the opportunity to be going to a doctor regularly concerning certain health issues.  Not that I like going to doctors... bah. >.<  But because we wanted to see if anything could be done about these issues. 

 One day we had an appointment; a few days before, one of my dreams - which I had finally "given up" - was crushed.  Yes, I had given it up... but it still hurt.  Then we had the appointment, and the doctor half told me that another of my dreams would probably never be... that crushed me flat.  It still hurts. Some days I can't deal with it.  It's one dream that I've always had, and is important to me...  and that dream is... gone. 
 Later that day I saw a friend, that I love dearly.  And I saw my dreams there, crushed. 

 In one weeks time, my whole future was crushed.  There was nothing left of it... and still, there doesn't seem to be anything left of it. 

 But you know... God is still there.   

 When I've fallen short, when I've run out of things to give. When my dreams have been crushed.  God is still there. 

 He does care about me.  I do matter to Him...  No, I'm not worthy His love... but that's not the point.  I don't have to be good enough for God.  It's like Mike Warnke said "do you have to clean up to take a bath?"   I have to be willing for Him to do His will.  And He will make me good enough. 

 A few months ago, a very dear friend told me that I was good enough... but I couldn't bring myself to believe him.  Not only was that dishonoring to him, and saying he was a liar - which he is not! I don't know anyone more truthful, or more honorable. - but it was also dishonoring to God.  It was calling Him a liar!    How wrong of me!

 The last few months, I have started to really pray about my own troubles and struggles.  And God has been helping me. :)   And since He's been helping me, I've been better able to help others of you. :)  

 Tho' I still feel that I'm not doing enough.  I still feel I don't know enough, I don't understand enough.   But that's not what matters.    The other day I was really down.  I actually prayed for strength to get through it, and asked God's forgiveness for not doing/being enough.  And He seemed to whisper to my heart "It is enough. You're doing it in My name, you're doing it for Me. It is enough"  And you know. That whisper, was enough to make me keep pushing. :) 

 Recently some of you have said things like "thanks for being a friend" - "I trust you" - "you always know just what to say. That really helped" - or even when I say "what's up?" and the answer comes back - "oh, nothing... got a minute?"  it's those times that makes my heart sing. It's those times that make it worth while. It's those times life is worth living.   So, those of you who have said that (you know who you are) Thanks! :D 

                                                                It Will Be Worth It All

                           Oft times the day seems long, our trials hard to bear,
We're tempted to complain, to murmur and despair;
But Christ will soon appear to catch His Bride away,
All tears forever over in God's eternal day.

 Sometimes the sky looks dark with not a ray of light,
We're tossed and driven on , no human help in sight;
But there is one in heav'n who knows our deepest care,
Let Jesus solve your problem - just go to Him in pray'r.

 Life's day will soon be o'er, all storms forever past,
We'll cross the great divide, to glory, safe at last;
We'll share the joys of heav'n - a harp, a home, a crown,
The tempter will be banished, we'll lay our burden down.

It will be worth it all when we see Jesus,
Life's trials will seem so small when we see Christ;
One glimpse of His dear face all sorrow will erase,
So bravely run the race till we see Christ.

 Serving Christ is always worth it. :D  

 So yes, at times I get discouraged, and my spirits are low... but I have Christ walking with me. 

 I may not have much of a future to look forward to... but I have Christ! That's the best future anyone could ask for. 
 I may not know what the future holds... but I know who holds the future.  :)

 No, my trials are nothing compared to others... but they seem more than I can bear at times.  That's okay. Because God helps me carry the load, and He walks with me all the way.  Just as I've said He will for you.... He will for me. :)  

 I don't have to live in a dream world anymore because I can't deal with reality... I don't have to "deal with reality" I can give it to Christ, and He'll take care of it for me.  

 But giving it to Christ is a daily thing.  And while it removes the load, and I shouldn't be bothering with it anymore... that doesn't cut out responsibility.    I'm still learning from it. I'm still having to choose to serve Christ daily. I'm still having to give Him my all. Without reserve. 

 So, there you have it.  Now you know why I bug the lot of you until you just can't stand the sight of me, and then suddenly drop off, and you don't hear much of me for a while. :P haha.  Sorry about that.  Moderation is not part of my character, and is something I need to work on.  But, by God's grace I will conquer. :)

 In all of this I want more than anything, for others to see Christ in me. To see Christ through me.... and I must say, I have not done Him justice. I have not served Him with my all.  And therefore have given mixed messages on many things.   I'm terribly sorry.  That's my faulty human nature coming through. :P 

 And after all of that, if anyone has bothered to read this far down... haha  Thanks. :) 

 After all the blessings God has given, I have no room to complain. :) 

                    To God be the glory!  


  1. Dear Hallie,

    I know just how you feel. The specifics are different, as they are for everyone, but I know exactly what you are talking about. And the tendency is to fall back on self-criticism, a despair in unworthiness, along with the emotional internalization and a an overt desire to "connect" with others, so big sometimes one actually ends up freaking some people out a bit... Hahaha!

    I'm still figuring things out, but I just want you to have a part in the help I have found. Quite frankly, it is summed up in a common C.S. Lewis quote... "Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking about yourself less."

    For individuals such as you and I struggling with desiring, maybe even idolizing, what I would call a desire for perfection in character or perfection in self, who want to be "just so" for others (in good and bad ways; some even becoming envy without our realizing) and also "just so" for our own sanity.... :D ...I truly believe a possible best solution is just stop thinking about it: we've got to stop worrying about ourselves. And the way to stop is either to deal with what we can and let go of what we can't, and move on. Just start and you'll find the strength comes from the Spirit. Our sweet Lord Jesus is indeed in control; he numbers the very hairs of our heads! Instead of fretting about our misery our thoughts should be, not wholly replaced by, but turned out of self towards finding ways to glorify our Lord's perfection at every turn; also, in my case, a little more (okay, a lot) study of the Lord and His wisdom and power sure wouldn't hurt. :)

    But maybe that's just me. LOL

    God bless our lives, Hallie, with peace and with the knowledge of His Fatherly care and mercies without end. Remember, God came to us while we were _yet sinners_. We weren't perfect then just as we are not yet. Someday though. And we will all be so joyful then!!!

    Also, where we fail, although we fail, despite we fail; God may have a purpose; what a joy! As I like to say, "God did speak once through the mouth of a donkey to get His point across!" I think it's our job to be content with delivering His message of the Gospel or whatever... Even if the circumstances are less than stellar for ourselves. Even though we may emotionally unburden or "open mouth, insert foot". Or whatever.

    Anyway. I realize you said a lot of the same things in different words: I just want you to know that you don't have to feel alone. Goodnight sister: Hallie! Looking forward to meeting you someday. Peace, peace, peace, my new friend!!!

    Btw, I think you are lovely. This culture of ours sure does crazy things to the way we think, I know that for a fact, firsthand.

  2. Also, I like what you said about being unreserved with Christ. He above all is One on Whom we can rely! Fully God, fully man, conqueror or Heaven and Hell? Yeah!

    And that's what he came for right, to break down walls? That barrier between God and man? There no longer! It came tumbling down with a blast and shout, of "It is finished!"

    Praying for you tonight! You touched my heart. <3

  3. I don't know just how you feel, but I think I do know similarly. You've mentioned some difficulties that I've had to deal with. In fact, every single human has had to deal with what you've said. If they haven't, they are dishonest with themselves, because they want to keep their social status.

    Revelation 3:17 is the realistic view of humanity.

    If you would like me to explain how I've tried to deal with the above, let me know. Either way, I'll pray for you.

  4. Dear Hallie,

    Reading your post made me cry. I feel very touched that you trust me enough to open up about your feelings and hardships. Reading what you wrote was like looking into a mirror for me. I have much of the same internal, spiritual difficulties such as you described.

    You are a sweet, lovely girl! God's precious child! The first thing we should always do is look to Him. He is our rock. But I know from experience, being the sinful human I am, that I always want to look everywhere else besides Him. I want to deal with it for myself before bothering Him. For me I have isolated the problem to the fact that I really in my heart of hearts don't trust God with my feelings or to deal with my problems the way *I* want them dealt with. It feels awfully sacrilegious and evil to say it. But God forgives my misgivings about Him. And day by day He is helping me and you to turn to Him. He doesn't just save us and then leave us to flounder about. He helps us and is always there for us.

    I have trouble trying to say what I mean, but I hope that even through my inability to string the right words together, God will use what I say to encourage you. I understand what you are going through, I don't know if that helps you or not...

    I am still trying to find a way out of the hole I've dug for myself by internalizing things, so I can't offer any advice as to that. But I would encourage you to immerse yourself in God's Word and promises. (Like you said it is so much easier to give the "right" advice than to take it yourself.)

    Here are a few verses that a friend recently shared with me...

    Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

    Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6

    "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

    What wonderful promises He gives us! Our Lord always lives up to His promises!

    Love You Happy Hallie!

    Your Friend,

  5. Realizing now it may have been presumptuous to say I know *exactly* how you feel. But you know what I meant.

  6. Jessica dear, thanks for all you've said. :D God is amazing, and He helps with everything if we allow Him to. He never forces anything on us... He'll just gently push us to the point of asking for help. ;)
    You weren't being presumptuous in the least. :) I do know what you meant, and it means a lot to me. :D
    Thanks for your prayers. :D

    Thank you dear sister. :D

    Pinecone, right. Everyone knows what it's like to some degree. :) It would be presumptuous to assume I'm the only one going through such things. :}
    I would love to read what you have on it! :D If you don't mind putting it up... either on your blog, or in the comments here. Whichever you prefer. :)

    Thanks. :D

    Susanne, I'm so sorry you struggle with it too. :{ But, in a way, it's good that God has brought us to this place, because of what He can do through it. :D
    Sorry it made you cry. :} But yet, crying is a good relief.... haha, I'm always contradicting myself. :P It's "good" and "bad" at the same time. :P Sorry. Hope you understand what I mean by that. :)
    You're right. God doesn't just leave us to "flounder" He guides us through it all. :D
    And yes, it all comes down to trust... He's been really working on me with that this summer. (hence that older posts)
    I like to think it all comes down to how unworthy I am; how "alone" I am.... but it all comes down to trust. Do I really trust Him? And no, I haven't trusted Him.
    In a former post I looked up the word "trust" and did "the run down" of what He's been teaching me on it. :)

    Haha!! you have trouble with words too? My family says I "have a way with words" meaning, if it can be said wrong... I will do it. :P
    The kind of thing where you can say "when I see your face, time stands still" OR as I tend to do it... "your face could stop a clock" :P haha That's me. :P

    Thanks for the verses. :D You have been an encouragement. :)

    Thank you all :)