Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Just (don't) Make It Go Away

 When the pain is so intense there is no relief for days.  When memory... racking memory, haunts you.  The future taunts you.  There is no end in sight... what then?

 When fear, and hope drive you into a dark corner, and there is no way out.... what then?

 When the future seems gone, and it's painful to look back at the past; where do you turn?

 It seems there is a rash of hard days... maybe as much as a week; there is such a heavy tugging at your heart - such an empty, hollow feeling.  Empty... searching for something - someone... it's like a vacuum.

 After so many days of intense hardship; being torn between hope and disappointment; fear and faith.  When dying would be easier...

 Just when you hit the breaking point, and everything within you is crying - No more!! Make it stop! Just make it stop!! - then it hits...

 The sudden jolt.

 Nothing seems to matter...

 Almost don't care about anything...

 Feel absolutely nothing...

 You ask yourself - What's next? - and almost don't care if the answer is - Nothing -

 At times there is still a longing for something... but it's like it doesn't matter if there is anything or not.

 It's wonderful to have a break from all the intense pain... all the heartache, and fear...  But part of you seems missing.

 I think it's those times God is saying - I'm what you need. I'm all that you need. I'm the only one that can help you through the pain, and the uncertainties. Only me -

 God wants our emptiness.... because He wants to fill it... He loves us, and is always there to help... if we'll just call upon Him.

 But, it doesn't stop there....

 In all the pain, in all the uncertainties, the uneasiness, fear, and disappointment; we cry out to Him. We ask His forgiveness, and mercy. We ask for His help.  

 But that's only half.

 The empty, feeling nothing, not really caring.... When we're finally quiet... that is when we hear Him.  That is when we listen to Him.  And that is when He speaks truths to us that we wouldn't hear otherwise.

 Yes, He speaks through the trials. He speaks through the testing.   But it's when we take time to reflect, and see what He has brought us through... that's when some more truths are made known.

 Then the pain hits again... and usually worse.  But we know our Savior better because of the quiet time... and we are better prepared for the next onslaught.

 Going through the pain... is so hard!  But the end is worth it!

 We go through a cycle of feeling like we're doing so much... and nobody sees.  Then we feel we're doing nothing, and others are just being nice when they say we're worth keeping around...

 Watching others all around going on mission trips; getting married and raising a family; writing books; keeping up with several amazing blogs; keeping their house spotless; doing all sorts of wonderful things... and here I sit... doing nothing.

 Sure, I have a blog... obviously ;) Yes, I do a bit of sewing, needle work, house work and the like.... but it seems that's it.   Yes, those things have to be done. Someone has got to do them... but my heart aches to be useful; to be part of something big...  But it doesn't have to be big.  It has to be God.

 I have "a way with words" as my family says... where I mean one thing, and say another.  Such as, instead of - When I look at you, time stands still. - I tend to go with - Your face could stop a clock. - >.<

 How is that supposed to do any good?   How is that supposed to help anyone?

 I see others around me hurting... and I want to help.  But what to say?   Yet, it's not what to say, it's what to pray.  There's a big difference.

 It's not what others see us doing... it's what God sees us doing.

 It's not what others think... it's what God thinks.

 It's not what we want... it's what God wants.

 Yes, we want to see the fruit of our efforts now!  But that may not be what God has for us....

 It may be that we won't see the fruit of our labors until we pass into eternity.  

 But that doesn't matter.   We're working toward a Heavenly crown.

 The rewards the world has to offer will one day gather dust, and be forgotten.  They won't be worth a thing.  They won't be treasured, or valued.  They'll be thrown away in the trash heap... and be no more.

 But the Heavenly crown we're aiming for will never be forgotten.  It will never gather dust, or rust.  It will never lose it's value.  It will never be taken from us.   It's there to stay.

 "Though none go with me, still I will follow."  Christ wants our all.  Even the emptiness. 

 I Have Decided
I have decided to follow Jesus;
I have decided to follow Jesus;
I have decided to follow Jesus;
No turning back, no turning back.

Though I may wonder, I still will follow;
Though I may wonder, I still will follow;
Though I may wonder, I still will follow;
No turning back, no turning back. 

The world behind me, the cross before me;
The world behind me, the cross before me;
The world behind me, the cross before me;
No turning back, no turning back. 

Though none go with me, still I will follow;
Though none go with me, still I will follow;
Though none go with me, still I will follow;
No turning back, no turning back.

Will you decide now to follow Jesus?
Will you decide now to follow Jesus?
Will you decide now to follow Jesus?
No turning back, no turning back.

 Whether the pain is more than I can bear alone, or whether the empty - feeling nothing - feeling is there.... I will press on.

  It is worth it to continue on.   Even if it's just to say an encouraging word to an occasional passerby... it's worth it.  

 Looking back at all that God has been teaching through it all.... I wouldn't trade it for anything.... not even having my dreams come true.... not even that.    Because the end God has in mind is far greater than any I could ever imagine.

 One day He's coming back for me... and I want Him to find me faithful, even when the pain is more than I can bear. Even when I feel worthless. Even when the emptiness gets to be too much at times... I want Him to find me faithful.

 Luke 16:10
 He that is faithful in that which is least is faithful also in much: and he that is unjust in the least is unjust also in much. 

 Rejoice In The Lord
God never moves without purpose or plan,
When trying His servant, and molding a man. 
Give thanks to the Lord, tho' your testing seems long. 
In darkness He giveth a song. 

Oh rejoice in the Lord, He makes no mistake. 
He knoweth the end of each path that I take.
For when I am tried, and purified. 
I shall come forth as gold. 

I could not see through the shadows ahead,
So I looked at the cross of my Savior instead. 
I bowed to the will of the Master that day,
Then peace came, and tears fled away. 

Now I can see testing comes from above. 
God strengthens His children, and purges in love.
My Father knows best, and I trust in His care.
Through purging, more fruit I will bear. 

  So as the pain gets worse, instead of hearing me crying out to God with "I can't handle it! It hurts too much. Just make it go away..." rather, you should hear "It hurts! Just don't make it go away... Thy will be done." because of all He has in store for me that couldn't be done without these trials.

            To God Be The Glory.


  1. Dear Hallie,
    I know that very feeling of wanting to be a part of something bigger even though.... I am. God is there every time to remind that I am (we are) a part of somthing HUGE!!! Thanks for writing this post.

    1. Yes, it seems to be a common problem.... but when we stop to think, we really are part of something huge... so huge it's mind blowing. :)

      You're welcome dear. :) And thanks for what you said. :) It's an encouragement. :)

  2. Yes, to God be The Glory.
    Thank you Hallie