Well, here it's been quite some time since I've posted last... but so much has happened. So much has been learned.
I hear people talking about going through tough trials, and how "the crash" hasn't hit yet... but it will soon enough.
Well. I've now experienced "the crash" and know for certain I don't want it anymore. :P
Of all the trials God has been leading me through, this is the hardest. I just want it all to end.... not the work God is doing... but my own silliness, and childish ways.
I've never been able to cry much when things happen to warrant it. But as one friend said - God will fix that - when she said it, I thought, Yeah right. I don't cry. Ha! Guess I had another think coming. :P
In all of my past trials, I could hide them. I could keep from crying. I could go on as if nothing happened. But not this time.
This time the pain is too much to bear alone. This time the tears won't be held back. They force their way out.
In all the pain, in all the fear, and sadness... the depression, and loneliness; God has made Himself more real to me than ever before. He's not some distant being that we pray to every morning, hoping He'll somehow hear us. He's a friend, a brother that's right here. He's here holding me through all of this. Not only holding my hand walking me through... but carrying me as well. :)
This morning I couldn't hold in any more. After all the pain this week has brought, I had to let myself cry. So I smothered it in my pillow, and cried out to God.
Lately I've learned to stop asking for the trial to be removed... but rather to be asking for strength to carry on.
This morning, with my head buried in my pillow, smothering the sobs, hoping nobody else could hear them; I got to the point where God has been trying to bring me... and for the first time in my life, I admitted I can't handle this on my own. For the first time ever, I asked for help.
I don't ask for help. It just doesn't seem right. But this time it got so bad, I literally asked God to either help me carry the load, or to kill me. I can't go on another step without Him.
In asking for answers to some questions that have come up in all of this... I did what I've never done before, and told God I was going to open my Bible, and the first two verses that met my eyes, I would take as His answer to these questions.
I've always thought it was rather presumptuous to say that... but you know. It's God's word. His word is unchanging. It applies to all of life. Why then would we not be able to find His answer in His word?
So I picked up my Bible, and looked at the edges of the pages. There was a slight gap between some pages in the middle. There's always slight gaps between pages... but this gap caught my eye.
When I opened it at the gap, my eyes lighted on the middle of the first page... it was Psalm 21:1-2 which reads thus -
The king shall joy in thy strength, O Lord; and in thy salvation how greatly shall he rejoice!
Thou hast given him his heart's desire, and hast not withholden the request of his lips. Selah.
Wow! After all that weeping, feeling anything but joyful, admitting weakness, and thinking my requests were impossible; god gave me that answer! How then can I not rejoice? He is so good to them that love Him!
With an answer like that, I know He hasn't forgotten me, and will carry me through this trial. :)
But it doesn't end there. You all go through these trials too... He's there for every one of you. :) He loves us all. :)
So even though my heart wants to break. Even though I can't carry on another step. Even though it would be easier to die. The pain is too much... God is still on the Throne, and He walks with me every step of the way. :)
To God be the glory.