Thursday, January 24, 2013

Joy In Sorrow

 Well, here it's been quite some time since I've posted last... but so much has happened. So much has been learned.

 I hear people talking about going through tough trials, and how "the crash" hasn't hit yet... but it will soon enough.

 Well.  I've now experienced "the crash" and know for certain I don't want it anymore. :P

 Of all the trials God has been leading me through, this is the hardest.  I just want it all to end.... not the work God is doing... but my own silliness, and childish ways.

 I've never been able to cry much when things happen to warrant it.  But as one friend said - God will fix that - when she said it, I thought, Yeah right. I don't cry.   Ha! Guess I had another think coming. :P

 In all of my past trials, I could hide them. I could keep from crying. I could go on as if nothing happened.   But not this time.

 This time the pain is too much to bear alone.  This time the tears won't be held back. They force their way out.

 In all the pain, in all the fear, and sadness... the depression, and loneliness; God has made Himself more real to me than ever before.   He's not some distant being that we pray to every morning, hoping He'll somehow hear us.  He's a friend, a brother that's right here. He's here holding me through all of this.  Not only holding my hand walking me through... but carrying me as well. :)

 This morning I couldn't hold in any more. After all the pain this week has brought, I had to let myself cry.   So I smothered it in my pillow, and cried out to God.

 Lately I've learned to stop asking for the trial to be removed... but rather to be asking for strength to carry on.

 This morning, with my head buried in my pillow, smothering the sobs, hoping nobody else could hear them; I got to the point where God has been trying to bring me... and for the first time in my life, I admitted I can't handle this on my own.  For the first time ever, I asked for help.

 I don't ask for help.  It just doesn't seem right.   But this time it got so bad, I literally asked God to either help me carry the load, or to kill me.  I can't go on another step without Him.

 In asking for answers to some questions that have come up in all of this... I did what I've never done before, and told God I was going to open my Bible, and the first two verses that met my eyes, I would take as His answer to these questions.

 I've always thought it was rather presumptuous to say that... but you know. It's God's word. His word is unchanging.  It applies to all of life. Why then would we not be able to find His answer in His word?

 So I picked up my Bible, and looked at the edges of the pages.  There was a slight gap between some pages in the middle. There's always slight gaps between pages... but this gap caught my eye.

 When I opened it at the gap, my eyes lighted on the middle of the first page... it was Psalm 21:1-2 which reads thus -

 The king shall joy in thy strength, O Lord; and in thy salvation how greatly shall he rejoice!
 Thou hast given him his heart's desire, and hast not withholden the request of his lips. Selah.

Wow!  After all that weeping, feeling anything but joyful, admitting weakness, and thinking my requests were impossible; god gave me that answer!   How then can I not rejoice?  He is so good to them that love Him!

 With an answer like that, I know He hasn't forgotten me, and will carry me through this trial. :)
 But it doesn't end there.  You all go through these trials too... He's there for every one of you. :)  He loves us all. :)

 So even though my heart wants to break. Even though I can't carry on another step. Even though it would be easier to die. The pain is too much... God is still on the Throne, and He walks with me every step of the way. :)

                To God be the glory.


  1. Hallie dear, my heart so goes out to you right now! I so completely understand feeling pain, hurt, loneliness and frustration! Only, I cry easily and often and so can't relate in holding the tears in. But I will be remembering you in my prayers! I don't know if you have my email address or not, but I would love to keep contact with you if you would like. My email address is Please feel free to email me any time! Keep looking to the Lord, dear sister! He is faithful! He is the healing balm of Gilead...go to Him and He will comfort you! I'm going to be posting, I think Monday, Lord willing, something that the Lord has been teaching us and that He really laid on my heart yesterday. It may be an encouragement to it was to me! I can't put my arms around you literally, but if I could, my arms would wrap around you right now! Much love to you~Breanna Alexander

    1. Breanna!! You're still "here" sort of. :D
      Thank you dear. :) I'm so sorry you feel the same... but yet, if it's God's way of drawing you nearer to Him I rather rejoice He has counted you worthy to bear this trial also for His sake. :)
      Thank you for the email address! :D I would dearly love to keep in contact. :D

      Yes, God is the all wise Father, and He knows best. While He allows these wounds, He heals at the same time. :) That is a comfort. :)

      Yay! Looking forward to your post. :D

      Thank you so much dear sister. :D Love you too. And may God continue to lead you in the way you ought to go. :)

      Hugs and blessings. :)

  2. Beautifully written. I don't know you, or what you are going through, but always remember that God works all things for His glory, often through ways we don't understand. And all things work for the good of His people. Rest in Jesus' arms triumphantly.

    1. Thank you for the encouraging comment my unknown friend. :)
      God does work in ways we cannot see... which is good. Because if I could see what He has in store... I'd probably shrink in fear. :P
      It is wondrous to rest in His arms. :D

      Thanks. :D

  3. *smiles a little* Yeah... I knew it would happen, but I can't say I'm exactly glad I was right. :P Though... I am glad that you came to the place where you needed His help. That is the best place on earth. :) It sounds to me that God is giving you a lot of grace to be able to go through this to His glory and your good. Not so much your physical, earthly good--but your relationship with Him, and your growing to be more like Christ. So be encouraged. :)

    1. Thanks Carissa. :) When you said that, I thought others can hit that place... but when it comes my turn, I'll be able to still be tough through it... But you were right. :)
      It is the best place to come to! I'm SO glad God saw fit to bring me here... but there are still times it seems this should all be over soon... shouldn't it? :/

      Thanks. :)