Alright... I have this need to write a new post... but am not sure what about. So, we shall see what this all comes to by the end of it ;)
God has been working on me the last couple weeks, and it's been amazing... yet hard at the same time.
My feelings have been such a jumble... most days are just hard, and I can't sort things out, and I feel like crying all day. But other days, I don't feel anything. It's like the emotions have been shut off, and there's absolutely nothing.... nothing. It's weird. To say the least.
The last few days I've been trying really hard to focus on my feelings, and sort them out... make sense of them... then I remember I'm a girl, and it's hopeless ;) haha
Okay, back to being serious...
In trying to sort out my feelings, I realize, there is no making sense of them. And then God says "that's because your focus is wrong... you're focusing on how you feel, instead of Me" Wow. I've been slighting God all week, without realizing it.
How often have I unconsciously turned away from the lessons God is trying to teach, just because I'm trying to figure out what's wrong? Far too much.
There shouldn't be any trying to figure out what's wrong... there should only be drawing nearer to Christ; and letting Him sort it out.
There's no being "tough" and just "dealing with it"; I've tried that. There comes a breaking point...
We can never know what's ahead for us; we can never sort out our feelings; we can never just deal with it. It's not humanly possible. It has to be God. He's the only one who knows what's going on. He's the only one that knows exactly what we're going through.
We can be caught in a tangled web of problems, with all kinds of other people mixed in there... and it's hard, it's confusing. But God knows... even when nobody else does... He knows. And He has it well in hand. :)
When no one else sees the hurt, no one else knows the intensity of it... God knows.
I tend to think nobody can make sense of my problems. And I act like it. But God does know. He does care. He is dealing with it. And it will all work out for the best in the end.
Some days I'm afraid of the "end" of it all... because of all the ways it could end... and how it's more likely to end in a way that will hurt worse than it does now.
In short; I'm afraid of the future. But how wrong of me, to fear such a thing. I don't need to fear what the future holds... because I know who holds the future. Shouldn't that be enough?
I mean, goodness! He spoke, and the universe came into existence! He squished some dirt together and made man... how then can I doubt His power in this?
This problem is so small, compared to Him! Yes it effects my future... but how? How am I going to allow it to effect me?
It's so easy to get all dejected, and feel sorry for yourself... but what would happen if we turned to Christ, and turned it over to Him, and left it there?
In a former post, I went on about learning complete surrender. Learning it, and practicing it are two different things. :P
I finally learned to give it all to Him... and leave it there. And oh how wonderful it's been!
But it doesn't end there. It has to be given, and left... daily.
I tend to "give" it over to Christ... and then take it back the next day. I get worried, and start to doubt Him; and I take it back. This only hinders the work He is doing. Yes, if God starts a work, it will be finished... but are we standing in the way of it's completion?
It's like a little child, they get a sliver, and want you to remove it for them. They agree to hold still, and let you get it out. But once the needle comes out... they suddenly change their minds.
Aren't we that way with God? Yes, we get the sliver out... but it takes longer, because they keep taking their finger back. Yes, God completes the work... but it takes longer, because we don't like the pain that goes with it.
I've finally come to the place where I can sing this verse, and mean it...
Let sorrow do it's work,
Send grief and pain.
Sweet are Thy messengers,
Sweet their refrain;
When they can sing with me,
More love, oh Christ to Thee.
More love to Thee. More love to Thee.
It's a tough place to come to... but once you're there, there's a peace that passes understanding.
God never promised a smooth road.... but He did promise to walk it with us. Even more than that, He carries us for most of it. :)
What an amazing, awesome God we serve. :D
In the service of my Father
P.S. Sorry about it being a bit rambling, and not well put together. I'm extremely tired, but it seemed this needed to be written yet tonight. Please excuse the run on sentences. :}