The world could end today and I wouldn't care. The pain is so intense.... yet I feel nothing... how can that be?
There is nothing left... and yet it's still being taken away. Thought I had surrendered... why this?
When you give your all, where does God find the "more" to be purged?
Walking as one in a fog. I feel like the "end" has come... but the worst is yet to be.
How can it get worse? It's like walking in a fog, uncertain of where the cliff is. You know you're close... but can't stop walking.
Waiting for the "crash"... but through it all God has given such a peace.
I'm not one to give in, and cry. I'm not one to admit defeat. But this has driven me weeping, to my knees so often of late.
How many times can one be broken before it kills them? How many times does one have to give their all, before it's enough?
God has brought me to the "breaking point" and I feel crushed beneath the weight of the load I have to bear. But at the same time He keeps showing my he's right here... He's helping to carry it. I'm not alone... my Savior walks beside me....
This passage really stood out to me. It speaks exactly what I feel, and think.
Psalm 55:4-8
My heart is sore pained within me: and the terrors of death are fallen upon me.
Fearfulness and trembling are come upon me, and horror hath overwhelmed me.
And I said, Oh that I had wings like a dove! for then would I fly away, and be at rest.
Lo, then would I wander far off, and remain in the wilderness. Selah.
I would hasten my escape from the windy storm and tempest.
And these verses really got me...
Psalm 55:12-14
For it was not an enemy that reproached me; then I could have borne it: neither was it he that hated me that did magnify himself against me; then I would have hid myself from him:
But it was thou, a man mine equal, my guide, and mine acquaintance.
We took sweet counsel together, and walked unto the house of God in company.
In all the pain, I've been forced to cry out for help. And He has answered me.... not only with that still small voice... but with scriptures. Verses that come up in conversation; verses that I see at random flipping through the Bible; verses that come in random emails; verses in random places. They all confirm to me that God hears, and answers prayer. And He's answering this one too....
But it was thou, a man mine equal, my guide, and mine acquaintance.
We took sweet counsel together, and walked unto the house of God in company.
In all the pain, I've been forced to cry out for help. And He has answered me.... not only with that still small voice... but with scriptures. Verses that come up in conversation; verses that I see at random flipping through the Bible; verses that come in random emails; verses in random places. They all confirm to me that God hears, and answers prayer. And He's answering this one too....
Verses such as these....
Psalm 21:1-2
The king shall joy in thy strength, O Lord; and in thy salvation how greatly shall he rejoice!
Thou hast given him his heart's desire, and hast not withholden the request of his lips. Selah.Psalm 145:19
He will fulfil the desire of them that fear him: he also will hear their cry, and will save them.
Romans 8:27-28
And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God.
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
And with those verses came this "message"... "Prayer in the spirit is a powerful weapon" Yes... yes it is...
Anymore it seems easier to just give up and walk away... but it says in Phillipians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
I will carry on. I have the promise in Isaiah 41:10 Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.
God is good, and He is still in control... it may hurt. It may seem like the "end"... but He keeps whispering to me "It's not over... I'm still in this. I'm still in control. Wait, and see. Be still and know that I am God."
1 Samuel 12:7
Now therefore stand still, that I may reason with you before the Lord of all the righteous acts of the Lord, which he did to you and to your fathers.
Ruth 3:18
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day.
Psalm 46:10
Be still and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
Psalm 37:34
Wait on the Lord, and keep his way, and he shall exalt thee to inherit the land: when the wicked are cut off, thou shalt see it.
Still serving the Father.
Hallie
Romans 8:27-28
And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God.
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
And with those verses came this "message"... "Prayer in the spirit is a powerful weapon" Yes... yes it is...
Anymore it seems easier to just give up and walk away... but it says in Phillipians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
I will carry on. I have the promise in Isaiah 41:10 Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.
God is good, and He is still in control... it may hurt. It may seem like the "end"... but He keeps whispering to me "It's not over... I'm still in this. I'm still in control. Wait, and see. Be still and know that I am God."
1 Samuel 12:7
Now therefore stand still, that I may reason with you before the Lord of all the righteous acts of the Lord, which he did to you and to your fathers.
Ruth 3:18
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day.
Psalm 46:10
Be still and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
Psalm 37:34
Wait on the Lord, and keep his way, and he shall exalt thee to inherit the land: when the wicked are cut off, thou shalt see it.
Still serving the Father.
Hallie
Oh, Hallie, I know that place. Far more intimately than I would like, sometimes. It hurts. It's hard.
ReplyDeleteBut it is worth it. HE is worth it.
I remember feeling the same thing (and still do sometimes)--how many times do I have to die?! How much is there left to surrender?? I thought I gave all, and now there is more!!
I've come to realize... that this process, as crushing and awful as it is, is necessary. We are supposed to die daily. Daily! :P And we won't do it until God brings us through these fiery times. We are supposed to give all--not all that we know, not the all that we see--the ALL that HE sees. And it's really, really, all.
Anyway... all that to say, I know some of what you are feeling, and having been in that place for a long time now, can assure you that there is some good in it. :) I will be praying! Love you! Keeping on seeking Him. :)
What do I say? Agreed? All you said is SO true. I've been seeing little bits of what you go through, and wonder how you hold up... but it's not how you hold up, or how I hold up. It's how God holds us up. :)
DeleteIt is a daily struggle. We do have to give up daily. And it is what HE sees, and not what I see. I'm "blind as a bat!" (as Mom says) He finds every last bit, and purges it. :)
This hymn says it best....
He washed my eyes with tears that I might see,
The broken heart I had was good for me;
He tore it all apart and looked inside,
He found it full of fear and foolish pride.
He swept away the things that made me blind
And then I saw the clouds were silver lined;
And now I understand 'twas best for me
He washed my eyes with tears that I might see.
He washed my eyes with tears that I might see
The glory of Himself revealed to me;
I did not know that He had wounded hands
I saw the blood He spilt upon the sands.
I saw the marks of shame and wept and cried;
He was my substitute for me He died;
And now I'm glad He came so tenderly;
And washed my eyes with tears that I might see.
Thanks SO much dear. :) Love you too. :) Still praying for you :)