Faith... Looks Different Than I Thought

 We've all heard "faith steps out on the water": but what if it takes faith to stay in the boat.....?

 Peter was called out on the water - none of the others were.  We're not all a Peter. God didn't call the others out - because He had a reason for them to stay on the boat.
 What would have happened if when God called Peter to walk on the water, everyone stepped out?   They weren't called - they very possibly would have sunk.

 Could we sometimes be guilty of claiming someone else's calling, and wondering why it doesn't work for us....? 
 God is under no obligation to support us in something He's called someone else to do.  He calls each of us differently.

 Conversely; we see God on the "water", we know that's where we need to be, so just jump out before He calls.  Would we not sink then?  Not because it's not right to "step out", but because it's the wrong time.

 I get antsy. I want to move ahead with my life, and do what I know is my calling, and so I dive in - expecting God will pull me out if I sink. But it's not His timing. He hasn't said "come" yet.

 What if, instead of jumping out and running across the waves to Christ, faith means staying in the boat and trusting He won't let it sink. Serving Him quietly on the ship, trusting He put you there for a reason.

 Faith is hard: in, or out, of the boat.

Thoughts on Thoughts

 I've noticed lately, that I'm far more serious online, or in writing than I am in person.  In struggling over this inconsistency in my behaviour, I've been trying to really pin down the reason behind it.  I've finally found the answer.

 In writing, my words are just that. Words.  My thoughts are taken at face value, for what they are; even valued more. 

 In person: you can see my face. You can hear my voice. And that terrifies me - for one reason: In person, my thoughts aren't taken at face value - they are now run though the "Fat Filter". 

 The "Fat Filter" is simply preconceived notions about overweight people.  The (usually) unspoken idea that "fat people are lazy", "fat people are only concerned about food" - and therefore, we are seen as "abnormal" or less than desirable. 

 Before you go into the whole spiel on how "that's not true", "I don't think that way" - let me say this: I run into this mindset everywhere I go.  Many are not consciously aware they are doing it, but they are just the same. 

  I am far less serious in person because, even when the person being addressed is smiling, and agreeing with what is being said - their eyes are scanning up and down, head to toe; and you can see them begin to judge your words based on your shape and size. 

 Lately I've been hearing a lot of "You're always so calm, but you seem to have a lot going on", or "You're always smiling; I wouldn't deal with things so well if it was me."   

 Honestly.  It's a defense.  

 Fat people are seen as wimps. Cry-babies. Over sensitive.  I've been seen that way my whole life.  So, in a defense against that kind of thinking, I've learned to shut off all emotions that aren't "happy". 

 I've been told that because I'm "fat and ugly" no guy is ever going to want me. So, I've trained myself to "hate" anything remotely romantic.  I've trained myself to see all guys as brothers so that I can't be hurt when they marry someone prettier than me; so they won't be embarrassed by me liking them.   Because as a "fat person" I have no right to hope someone could love me like that. 

 In trying to seem disinterested, I've become very cynical.   My defense didn't keep me from getting hurt. It still hurts horribly when guys I like just walk out of my life for seemingly no reason.   All I've accomplished is annoying other people, and adding to my own hurt.

 I've shut off all emotions to the point where the only "emotion" I can show is "happy" or "cheerful".  I can't allow myself to be bothered by things, because that's being "weak" and "over sensitive", so I laugh everything off as if it's really no big deal. 

 I've been rejected so many times - because I'm fat (for all I know), that now I'm terrified of expressing my thoughts on anything serious - in person - because I'm afraid of further rejection. 

 Behind all the smiles and giggles is a finely shredded heart that quivers at every glance from other people: but fat people are seen as over sensitive, so I hide behind smiles in an effort to shake off the affects of such thinking.  

 I guess my point here is: let's get over stereotypes. Let's accept that All people are created equal: even fat ones.  

 Now that I've explained myself.  Rant over.