Dreams And Reality

 The other night I had a dream... in this dream, I got married. 

 

 Normally when I dream about getting married, it's usually some random guy I know, and I wake up totally freaked out.  Honestly. Those dreams scare me. :P 

 This one didn't scare me.... I woke up thinking "that was the typical mashed up nonsense..." then as I remembered details from the dream, I started getting excited.  This was no ordinary dream.  

 Here is the dream.... 

 A young man whom I have never met in person, came to visit. I knew him previously, but had never met him. 

 We knew he was coming, but not when.  

 One day he showed up, and instantly hit it off with my Dad and brother.  They worked a lot together, and got to be very close friends. 

 There was a girl in the dream, who was very scantily clad, and was one of those flighty, trashy sort.  This girl was always trying to get me to be like her. 

 She was always saying things like "live for the moment" "who cares about the future, it's not like you're waiting for anything special" 

 This girl was a "strange woman" by the Proverbs definition.  But, she was a friend from childhood, so we let her stay at our house. 

 The young man didn't like when that girl was around, but tried to be polite to her at least. 

 

 It became evident that this young man had the intent to marry me.  (awkward, I know; that's what typically freaks me out about these sort of dreams :P)

 One day when we got up to start the day, he was gone.  No warning. Just gone. 

 He never said he had any intention of leaving, never said goodbye. Just, left. 

 We were all very sad that he left. It hurt that he left. Especially since he didn't even say goodbye. 

 But! Here's the good part... He left a letter!!! :D  

 This letter was addressed to me, and explained it all. 

 It started out "I have gone to prepare a place for my future bride, when that place is ready, I'll return for her. Until I return, here is a list of things I love about her, and want her to always be. Also a list of things that distress me.  I see she has influences about her (speaking of that girl staying with us) which may mar her character. Things which will cause much damage if once she accepts them."

 Then he went on about the things he wanted me to improve on... things he wanted me to learn, and do. 

 It was a very lengthy letter. At the very end it said "I will come back for you, I can't say when. But I wish my bride to be ready when I return."

 I was very excited about it.  Reading the letter every day, making sure I was matching the list. Making sure that I was ready, because there's no telling when he will come back. 

 This girl, every day, made fun of my excitement. She tried to make me doubt that he would ever come. Always trying to make him out to be a liar.  Always comparing him to the trashy men she hung around with, and twisting what he said to sound like them.  Mocking me when I said I knew him to be other than that from  what he said in his letter; saying that it was one letter, written some time ago. "It's not like you talk regularly. He doesn't even write you new letters!" 

 It was very hard to keep believing in him... but every time I read the letter, the excitement returned, and I kept on trying to accomplish his list. 

 This girl kept saying "You know, if he really loves you, it won't matter if you match that old list anyway. You're just trying to be 'good enough' for him, when he already said he loves you. If he really meant it, then you have nothing to worry about." And then turning right around and saying things like - "You messed up today. You didn't match the list today. He's not going to want you now, why even try?" 

 I always vehemently disagreed with her; saying he was honest, truthful, loving, forgiving, patient, kind, merciful.  Always quick to defend him. 

 The dream ended with him coming back, and finding me ready!  When I woke up, it was understood that there was going to be a wedding soon. 

 Normally when I wake up from dreaming about my wedding, I'm freaked out. :P It's very awkward for me.  

 But this dream, I woke up thinking - wow. That certainly wasn't an ordinary dream.  Actually, I wouldn't mind if it had been reality.... wait a minute.... 

Think about it... doesn't that dream sound familiar?  

 It IS reality!  I have that letter!!  

 Seriously! I do have that letter!  He did come for me. He did leave that list. He did promise to come back for me.  What am I doing to be ready for when He comes? 

 The difference here is that, the letter has a title.   The Holy Bible.  

 God Himself is coming for me! The world is trying to say He won't come, or that He's lying, or not really what He says He is.    Am I defending Him, like I did the young man in my dream?  Am I preparing for the day He returns, like I was for the young man in the dream? 

 When He comes, will He find me ready, as the young man in the dream did? 

 Am I treasuring His letter as I did the letter in my dream? 

 Okay, so it was just a dream. But that dream woke me up more fully to reality. 

 Honestly, I wouldn't mind if that happened in "real life", but since it is already reality, what am I doing about it? 

 Here's the challenge.  You have the letter too.  What are you doing with it?  What are you doing right now to prepare for that day? Will He find you ready? 

 Matthew 24:36

 But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only.

  

                Busily waiting...

                      Hallie

Girl Power

 Yes, you read that right. No, I'm not going feminist.

 We girls are powerful.  Very powerful.  We need to be aware of that, and use our power wisely.

 We have the power to heal, but also to hurt.
 We have the power to lift up, but also to tear down.
 We have the power to build, but also to crush to powder.

First is the power of looks.
 Guys are ruled by sight a whole more than they like to admit. It's perfectly natural, but it can cause major problems and is something we need to take into consideration.
 Even the most principled men are effected by it.
 When we show too much skin, or wear tight fitting clothes, which leaves little to the imagination, they have trouble keeping their minds pure.  We cause them to stumble,  and sin in their hearts when we are careless in the way we dress.

 I talked to a guy once, and was very shocked to hear him say that girls have a natural beauty that should be shared. Girls should wear the form fitting clothes, so that the beauty of their curves can be seen, and admired.   He fell in immorality.  Is it any wonder?

 It is our duty to cover those things. We should never give occasion for any man to be able to let his mind wander after glancing at us.
 Sure, girls have a fine form (some do at least) and it was meant to be seen; but only by the man God has planned for each of us.  Until the right guy comes along, it is to be kept hidden.
 Think of a lady's form as a treasure meant for a specific man. If the treasure is out in the open for anyone to see, there won't be much left of it, or it won't be as special to the man it was meant for.
 If it is hidden, it is worth far more, because he will be the first to see it, and it's all his.

 A hidden treasure will be valued higher than a used one.

 Scantily clad women cause many men to fall. Whereas modestly dressed women are an encouragement to the men around them

 When we aren't careful in our dress, the poor guys that try so hard to keep their minds pure, have nowhere to look. We ought to always be considerate of them, and always be dressed in such a way that they have a safe place to look, and not have to worry about getting an eye full.

Secondly, we have power with our words.
 So many men complain that women are always nagging, and putting them down.  And it's true.
 We as women do not support the men in our lives with encouraging words. We don't carefully select each word so as to be edifying at all times.

 Now, before you think that I'm saying we can't point out when something is wrong, that's not it at all.
 We are duty bound to point out wrong when we see it.  But it's also our duty to point out wrong without making them out to be stupid, or any less intelligent because they did something wrong.

 There is never any place for nagging.  A timely warning, or admonition is one thing. Nagging constantly is another.
 We can encourage while "correcting" by simply stating the dangers we see in the paths they have chosen, and kindly suggest what we see to be a better way.  Never putting them down, and making them feel less than who they are in Christ.

 We should always be honest with the men in our lives, never deceiving them.   Not saying one thing when we mean another, just to avoid offending them. That's going in an extreme the other way. (which I am guilty of)

Thirdly, we have power in how we act.
 If we say one thing, and do another, we aren't truly loving those around us. We aren't being edifying, or helpful in any way.

 So many women can sure talk about modesty, and purity; but when you observe them, they aren't modest... maybe they are in the way they dress, sure; but they aren't modest in how they act. They can talk about keeping themselves pure, but then don't.
 Not only are we to avoid being like that, but we need to avoid keeping company with those like that.

 In Proverbs 5:8-9 it says "Remove thy way far from her, and come not nigh the door of her house:
Lest thou give thine honour unto others, and thy years unto the cruel:" 
 That wasn't meant for men only.  Girls who hang around strange women, are influenced by them, and become like them.  I know. I've been around them before, and try as I might, certain of their ways rubbed off on me.   It's very unnerving to come home from visiting someone like that, and after trying to help them not to be like that, and have your brother comment "you're just like her when you do that" - it's very sobering, and a bit scary. 

 In conclusion.  We women have much power. Are we using it wisely?  Are we building up, and edifying the men in our lives... and not just the men, but the other women around us? Or are we tearing them down, without even realizing it? 

 We as women have the power to raise up a godly nation, or to tear it down and leave it in oblivion. 

 Sure, of guys and girls, we are the weaker vessel. But the men are largely swayed by how we conduct ourselves.   How will we come out on judgement day? 
 Yes, the men are the leaders, and they make their own choices... but we have a huge influence on them.
 The way they lead, and make choices is greatly effected by our influence. 

 Let us use our power for good and right. 
 Let us be in Gods word, seeking out His ways, and acting accordingly.   

 We have the Proverbs 31 woman as our example. Are we going to truly follow in her steps? or just do her lip service while being, in reality, strange women which the Bible warns against?

 The fate of a nation rests on the choices we make.  What will they be? 

 Hebrews 12:1-3

Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,

Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.

For consider him that endured such contradiction of sinners against himself, lest ye be wearied and faint in your minds.

     

          Seeking Him

               Hallie

Dear Brothers...

 Seeing how some of you guys have written what you look for in a girl, and thanking girls for their modesty, and consideration of you.  Now I wish to do the same for you guys in this post. 

 I know it seems every girl wants a handsome guy, with huge muscles. "Tall, dark and handsome" has been "the perfect guy" for as long as I can remember.  But *NEWS FLASH* girls are silly. 

 Really, it doesn't matter to most of us what your hair color, height or build is.  If those things do matter a great deal to a girl, she's one of the flighty sort. Real women don't care so much about those things. 
 I personally find it annoying when guys are more interested in being "ripped" than what work they are doing for the Kingdom. 

 What we girls really want in a guy is someone who really loves God with everything in him. Someone who loves God above even her.  Because a man that loves God, and is actively serving Him will treat her with love and respect, because she is a daughter of the King he serves. 
 A man who is actively seeking God's face, and doing His Kingdom work.  A man who is really trying to reform the culture, not just talking about it. 
 A man who loves children enough to invest time in teaching them, and when able letting them work along side of him in the Kingdom work. 

 And guys, just so you know. We notice the way you treat your mother and sisters. If you act as if your real sisters are silly, and not worth spending much time with, or you don't respect them as ladies; you won't treat us, your sisters in Christ, and (one of us,) your future wife any better. 
 If you don't respect your mother, or listen to her counsel; you won't respect one of us, your future wife, or heed what we say when we see harm coming your way. 

 Also, I've seen many times, where guys have said things about girls talking too much. We do, far too much. I admit. (I'm probably the worst in that department) But we also love to hear you guys talk. We love to just listen to you, when you're joking, or talking about things we don't always understand (such as mechanics) but most of all when you are talking about Kingdom work, and how to do it.  There's nothing more edifying (in my opinion at least) than hearing you guys talking about the work of the Kingdom, and your dreams for the future that revolve around it. 

 Let me tell you right now. It speaks volumes when you treat us like ladies. When you go out of your way to guard our hearts.  As you know, guys run on logic (mostly), girls run on emotions (mostly); it's very hard to keep those emotions in check. And in a culture where girls hearts are trampled so much, and treated like trash, and not worth guarding... it's very refreshing to see guys who really care about that, and will be careful of it. 
 So many guys anymore try to win a girls heart, then once he has it, he abuses it.  Please, don't ever be like that.  Girls need protectors, and we are ever so grateful when you are mindful of that, and stand up like a man in our defense. 

 While many have the idea that all women want is a man's time and money; that's not the case. 
 We want a man we can work along side of, and be his helpmeet. We want a man we can fully back in his work, and that we can support.  If you lack integrity, and the back bone to make a stand for right; you can't expect to find a girl that would come along side and support you.  We want a man that is striving to be like Christ, and that we can walk along side of on his journey to godliness. 

 So many men these days talk about how silly, fickle, and draining women are. Men who make crass jokes about us, and talk about us as tho' we are all the feminist kind.  
 We want men who notice the fact that some of us do try, and are going against the mainstream feminist movement. 

 As far as modesty... I contend that always flaunting your muscles, and going shirtless is just as immodest, and disgusting as a girl running around in a miniskirt and tight strapless top.  
 Just like a girl is to hide things from the neck down so as not to cause any one of you to stumble; men need to hide things from the neck down for the same reason. 

 In the circles I've grown up in, the standard for modesty has been, nothing above the knee, or more than a hand-breadth below the collar bone is to be left bare. 
 So it should be for guys. 
 Just as it causes your minds to go in wrong places when you see a scantily clad woman; it causes our minds to go wrong places when we see shirtless men.   
 I know in the summer it gets hot, and it may be much cooler to work without a shirt. But consider the girls who are trying to keep themselves pure for the one man God intended for them, driving through town, or doing the weekly shopping, and everywhere they turn, there are half naked men walking around.  It is very difficult as it is, to resist the pressures from other girls who aren't careful with their dress; it just makes it harder when men aren't fully dressed when ladies are present. 

 And please understand, it's not your looks that we care about.  Just like not all girls are pretty; not all guys are handsome. It's how we were made, and is nothing to be ashamed of.   
 If only pretty girls got married, or only handsome guys got married... the worlds population would be much smaller. ;)
 When the heart is right, looks make no difference.  Honestly, I know a lot of handsome guys, but the handsome only goes skin deep. Beyond that, they aren't anything special. 
 I also know a lot of guys that couldn't be classed as handsome, but when you get to know their heart, they look better.  Honest. 
 What's in the heart shows on the face.  
 If your heart is right. If you are striving to be like Christ, your looks make no difference.   The most handsome guys I know rarely get a second glance from the typical girl, because they are handsome inside. 

 Please, dear brothers. Stay strong in the Lord.  I know there is much trash in today's culture. There are so few real men, that it makes it harder for the few of you left to make a stand. But never give up!  You have a host of sisters who are ready and willing to support you in the right, if you'll only stand up and fight. 
 We girls so appreciate it when you make an effort in this age of laziness. We're ready to back you, and encourage you in the fight. 

  1 Timothy 6:12
 Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, whereunto thou art also called, and hast professed a good profession before many witnesses.

 Joshua 1:9
 Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.

 Thank you for making a stand, striving to be like Christ, and being considerate of us girls. :) 

               Your grateful sister in Christ,
                           Hallie

What Is Truth?

 A question we find in the Bible.... shortly after the answer was given. 

 John 18:37-38
 Pilate therefore said unto Him, Art thou a king then? Jesus answered, Thou sayest that I am a king. To this end was I born, and for this cause came I into the world, that I should bear witness unto the truth. Every one that is of the truth heareth my voice.
 Pilate saith unto Him, What is truth? And when he had said this, he went out again unto the Jews, and saith unto them, I find in Him no fault at all.

 I find this passage very interesting... How often I have thought of Pilate as someone who knew... but had his hands tied.  

 How many times have I heard that passage being read, and thought that Pilate was truly searching, but couldn't find the real truth? 

 Jesus said.... "I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me." (John 14:6)

 If Jesus is truth... do you see where this is going? 

 Pilate looked Truth in the eye, and asked "What is truth?" then instead of staying for the answer, he walked out. 

 How many times have I done this? 

 How many times have I run to Christ in prayer, and cried out in bitter anguish "What is truth?!" then gotten up from my knees and gone out; gone out to work, or check emails, or... you name it.  

 How often have I asked Truth Himself what truth is... and then not stayed for the answer? 

 Oh that I would be patient, and willing to wait on Him for the answer.  

 Psalm 27:14
  Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord. 

 Psalm 69:6
 Let not them that wait on Thee, O Lord God of hosts, be ashamed for my sake: let not those that seek Thee be confounded for my sake, O God of Israel. 

   
                Seeking to better know my Father
                              Hallie. 

Dishes and Joy

 Yes, dishes.  Of all the things I could blog about, dishes is the chosen topic this time around.  Stick around and you'll see why. :)

 The other as I was talking/chatting with a friend dishes came up in conversation. 
 Now, doing dishes doesn't seem to be a favorite task with most.  I've never really given it much thought.  Personally I like doing dishes. I could (and do) do dishes all day.  Granted, it would be very nice to get other things done too... but doing dishes is still something that I enjoy most of the time. 
 But, in this conversation I was being my typical nutty self, and went all goofy about getting to stay home and do dishes instead of having to to go fishing.  And the thing he said in response really struck me, and I've been thinking, I mean really thinking about it ever since.  

"Ha. Never seen anyone so happy to do dishes. ;-)" That got me to thinking. Why? Why don't we get excited about doing dishes?

There are a score of reasons for not liking to do dishes.... They take longer than anyone has time for. Dishes is a never ending job, you have to do it multiple times a day, everyday for life. There are so many other, important things to do, there's just not time to do dishes.

Dishes. Something we all use daily, has become a drudgery.

Why?

As children of the King, aren't we to be rejoicing? Aren't we to be cheerful workers? God gave us the ability to work, and He gave us the work to do; why do we allow it to annoy us? Why do we make it a drudgery?

 There is so much good to doing dishes.

I'm sure we could all write up a nearly endless list of reasons why dishes are a pain to do... but how many of us could write up a list of equal size about why dishes are enjoyable?

To me (anymore, as it didn't used to be this way) doing dishes is a joy. You know what it means to have a sink full of dirty dishes?! You know what a blessing dirty dishes are?! Dirty dishes are such a blessing! I want never to be out of dishes to do.

Now, before you all get to thinking that I have completely lost any sanity I might have had left...

Here's how dirty dishes are a blessing...

1) Dirty dishes means that God is making provision for you.
2) Dirty dishes means that God has blessed you with people to serve.
3) Dirty dishes means you have companions. The more dishes there are the more people you have around (usually)
4) Dirty dishes means you have time to spend in prayer and thanksgiving.
5) Dirty dishes means you aren't idle.
6) Dirty dishes means you have opportunity to practice cheerfulness and serving.
7) Dirty dishes means you have opportunity to practice housekeeping skills.
8) Dirty dishes (usually) means you've brought pleasure to someone.

 Need I go on? Or do you get my point?

Have you ever thought about just how important dishes are?  
I know most of us (my readers and I) want to be reformers. Have you thought of the importance of dishes in the reformation effort? Why, if someone doesn't do the dishes, then there aren't clean ones to use the next time around, which eventually results in starving people, and therefore no reformers... guess doing dishes is a pretty important task, huh?

Okay, so maybe that is a little exaggerated... but not so much when you think about it...

If having clean dishes is that important, and dishes don't do themselves... I guess that would make the person that washes them fairly important too, would it not?

You see, my point here is that we have to choose to enjoy our work. Every little task is important in the work we are doing. No job is too small. Each plays a special part in the reformation effort, and who are we to shun any one of them?

I find if I'm getting tired of doing dishes, I start thinking about how miserable life would be if I had no family to do dishes for. If you choose to look for the good in something, it is far more enjoyable. Then, as children of the King, we go around rejoicing as His children should.

You see, I get very down seeing others around me going on mission trips, getting married, starting churches, going to college, working a million and one jobs... and what do I do? 

I stay home... and do... dishes.

But! Someone has to do dishes! Someone has to do the "small" "unimportant" jobs... and really, they aren't "unimportant". They are just as needed as anything else.

So, while other serve their Lord going on mission trips, or ministering at work, or going to college, or whatever. I will serve my Lord at the sink. I will stand at my post, and joyfully serve Christ, through serving others in doing dishes.

'Tis glorious to be "chief cook and bottle washer", and by God's grace I will do it to the best of my ability, and praise Him all the while. :D


Joyfully serving the Father,
Hallie

It's Spring!

 Spring cleaning... I could do this the rest of my life!!! :D Oh wait....

 There is just something about nice, 60 degree weather, having the windows open, an old record playing, and being on your hands and knees scrubbing floors. It's so fun! It's so enjoyable. :D

 Who ever said that being a stay at home daughter was boring, and a waste of your life?  It's so fulfilling to scurry about cleaning, cooking and singing. :)

 I've tried the whole deal of going to work and helping to support the family. That's fun and all. It's great to know you're able to help the family, and be useful to others.
 It's great having opportunity to witness to others while you work.   But there is nothing like being a homemaker. :D

 Proverbs 31:13
 She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.

 Part of "worketh willingly with her hands" is house work.  And it can be fun!  Provided we have the right heart attitude. 

 Proverbs 31:17
 She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.

 Believe me. It takes strength to scrub floors ;)  Staying at home does not mean you're doing nothing! There is So much to do at home. 

 Proverbs 31:27
She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.

 Looking well to the ways of your household... that can be taken many different place, and still not be off topic. :)  

 I think most of us see it as keeping things running smoothly. Having supper on the table at a good time, keeping things clean, and tidy.   But it goes deeper than that. 

 There is more to looking well the ways of your household than having the house clean.  There must be a joyful spirit, a cheerful, humble attitude.  

 A Servant's Heart ~ Ron Hamilton

Make me a servant like you, dear Lord, Living for others each day.
Humble and meek, helping the weak, Loving in all that I say

Make me a witness like You dear Lord, Showing the love of the cross,
Sharing Your Word till all have heard, Serving whatever the cost.

(Chorus) 
Give me Lord, a servant's heart. Here's my life take every part. Give me Lord a servant's heart.
Help me draw so close to You that Your love comes shining through. 
Give me Lord, a servant's heart. Give me Lord a servant's heart.

 Rather than just getting/keeping the house clean, we should be ever cheerful, and encouraging to those around us.  

 If we are truly Daughters Of The King, we will reflect His image.  We will be the "happy homemaker" He intended us to be. :) 

 It is so fulfilling to have a clean house, a nice meal on the table and a bright, cheerful smile on the face when the others come in, tired from work.   When there is so much pressure on everyone, it's nice for them to see one cheerful face when they come home.  And I'm going to be sure they see it here in "my" home. :) 

 It's glorious to be a stay at home daughter, and to be in training.   Cleaning is so fun! Especially with good music to sing along with, birds singing outside, and a fresh spring breeze coming in the windows. :D

Proverbs 31:31

Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.

Colossians 3:23-24

And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men;

Knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ.

           Happily Homemaking

                   Hallie

Pride, Fear, And...Forgiveness?

 Here I sit, with tears in my eyes.  The pain is too much to hold them in... but the pride is too much to let them out.   What's right? 

 Is it right to cry?   Isn't it a weakness? Isn't it an insult?   How is it relying on God, if you can't even hide tears? 

 If you let out the tears, and others see... what then?  If you can hide the emotion, then nobody else is bothered, and the only place you have to turn is to God.  Right? 

 But what about tears being a natural relief?  What about them helping/soothing?  God gave the ability to cry for a reason. Is it a sin not to cry? 

 Is crying really the issue?  I think not. Rather, the issue is pride.  

 It seems there should be nothing left of pride with all that has happened.  There always comes a breaking point... and I reached it months ago.  Why this pride still? 

 When you're sweeping the floor, merrily singing, thinking about the next job that has to be done, and you look up... right at a picture you had forgotten was there. A picture you wish you never had... yet could never do without.   The picture of a dear friend, from years ago... the picture of a face that was ever bright, and happy. A face that ever beamed life, and enthusiasm. Eyes that were full of innocence and truth.   That face that is now covered in guilt, and shame. Those eyes that once spoke truth and innocence, are now dead, and empty.  The face that was the picture of life and youth; now looks ten years older, and has a deadness to it.  That picture is of one who was the living example of honor and truth.... that picture is all that's left of them. And it brings memories to mind that nearly kill you from the overwhelming pain of loss. 

 Suddenly the tears well up, and blind you.  It was sudden, and unexpected.  But it's showing weakness to allow those tears to fall. So there you are frantically blinking back the tears, and hurriedly going on with your work, trying to forget... trying to act as if nothing were wrong.  

 Is that right?  Is it being strong? Or is it being stubborn and prideful? 

 I'm ashamed to say... it's being stubborn and prideful.   Sure, we must be strong for others.  But being "strong" (properly called "stubborn") when there is no one to be strong for?  That's pure pride.  It's pure idiocy. 

 Good grief, even Jesus wept!  He wept over the loss of a friend! He cried in front of people!   
 It's not wrong to show emotion, if it's honest grief, and not just putting on a show to get sympathy.  

 It is possible to cry, and still be strong.  Crying strengthens.   It's a "pressure release valve".  
 You can only build up so much pressure before something explodes.  And honestly, you have to pity the poor person that happens to be there when it blows! 

 It's so much better to quietly release some of the grief, than to hide it all away, just to "blow up" at someone later on. 

 I used to think I would be an exception to the rule. - Well, I'll be tough, and not cry, no matter what. It can be done, and I'll do it. - Hog wash!   It doesn't work.   We're all the same. 

 Pride is stupid, and I am if I retain it. 

 Pride (in me) stems from fear.  I'm always fearing what others will think. What others will say.   But what does it matter? All that matters is what God thinks, what God says.  

 That's not to say we should just live our lives how we want, and think; Oh, well God knows my heart, so it doesn't matter what others think.    No. That's not it at all.   We're to live according to God's word, and be honorable, diligent, truthful, faithful. All of those things.   We are to have a clean conscience before God. But our lives are to reflect the image of Christ to those around us. 

 In all that's happened, I've been blaming myself for things beyond my control.  Things that were never my burden to carry, and I've been carrying them.   I've been trying to do God's job! 

 In trying to bear these burdens that were never mine to bear, I've been basically telling God that I can't trust Him to deal with it.   Which comes back to pride.   

 When I realize that I can't bear these things, then I feel a total failure because I couldn't do it.   And I have trouble forgiving myself.  And since I can't forgive myself, I have trouble accepting forgiveness of others.    I don't feel worthy of forgiveness. 

 I know what I am. I don't deserve forgiveness. 

 God has been bringing me to the point where I see I've got to forgive others, no matter what it is. I can't hold it against them. It's not right. 

 So why do I hold it against myself? Why do I not forgive myself?  Doesn't that go right along with forgiving others? 

 Here's why I don't forgive myself.  Because it seems totally selfish to think of self at all.  It seems totally wrong to say/think anything good about oneself.   So, therefore it would be equally wrong to forgive myself, because that would be something good towards me, and it's not deserved; it's totally selfish, so it's wrong.  (Don't ask why on any of that. I've already traced the thoughts back this far, and it's absolutely annoying how stupid it is. There is no desire to find just how shallow it really is) 

 As a dear friend pointed out. That's an insult to God.  That in itself is wrong. 

 It's extremely humbling to trace your thoughts all the way back, and find just how shallow you really are.  It's extremely annoying to find just how silly it all is.   But if we don't get to the root of the problem, there will never be any fixing it.  

 Oh, to be humble, and willing enough to let Christ do His work in me. 

 I've been SO blessed to have friends, who when they had every right to walk away from me, and shun me for my stupidity, and lack of wisdom; chose to forgive me.  

 This one thing that was said, is something I, myself have said before... but never could expect to hear myself.   "Please know that I completely forgive you, and I hold nothing against you."
 Isn't that what God does too? 

 Something a friend said that really struck me... "I've come to realize that many people esteem me much higher than they would if they saw what was in my mind." How true. And how easily I forget that.

 With a God like Him, and the sort of friends He sends, what is there to fear? Why let pride rear it's ugly head?   God is so good to those who love Him. :)  

  Now, having said all of that, if you'll excuse me, I believe it's time for a good cry.  ;)


                    Hallie