I grew up very Patriarchal, which I think is fairly clear from previous posts.
Much of what I've said on here in the past, I no longer hold to - not simply because I "don't like it anymore" or "changed my mind", but because a lot of it is wrong. Biblically.
Since I started this blog, I've changed on a lot of things - and those changes have been very hard. They have opened a whole new world - and closed one. Much has been gained, but much has been lost. The changes I made were a long time coming, and very hard to do - it wasn't a "snap decision" or done on a whim. If that's all it was, it wouldn't have been worth it, and I never would have done it.
I'm writing this because I feel I've cheated some of you. In the past I've been very open about lessons God was teaching me, and freely published them on here. When the big, hard(er) changes started, I didn't know how it would be taken, so I said nothing. Most of you didn't find out anything was in the works until after it was done, and even then, I never explained it to you, thus making it seem trivial when it's not.
On September 7th, 2014 I left my fathers house, and struck out on my own. Not because I wanted a change or was feeling restless. By NO means was my Dad abusive or mean to me.
In the fall of 2011 I began being introduced to ideas I had never heard before - ideas that went totally against what I had always been taught. Things like Predestination. That was the main one. I had never heard of it before, and I set out to prove those people wrong. In the process I proved myself wrong, and found scores of others things I had been wrong on, because they simply weren't in the Bible - at all, let alone how I had believed.
Over the next few years I did a lot of in depth study, and had many conversations with family and friends, and as time went on, my views changed. I had to change to be in agreement with Scripture.
Many of the changes I had to make, my immediate family didn't agree with, and tensions began to grow. But being a staunch advocate for Patriarchy, I knew the answer was to keep still, "honor" my father by not arguing the matter, and don't say anything to let on that there was a problem.
Up until the end of July of 2014, that's what I did. Tensions were continually mounting, but I couldn't say anything outside the family, because, of course, that would be dishonoring to my father, and I would be a rebellious daughter. Not to mention, it would go against just about everything I'd been talking about on my blog all that time. Honestly, everything I had been saying on here about women's/daughters responsibility, was mainly trying to talk myself into it. I fully believed that was right, but was finding it more and more difficult to do. Not because I didn't want to - nobody wanted it to work more than I did - but because doctrinal differences were making it next to impossible.
For two years I had been verbally and emotionally beating myself over what I believed to be rebellion, and seriously thinking I was mentally unstable. If I was reading my Bible right, how come I couldn't make them see it that way? If they were right, how come I couldn't find it in the Bible? Maybe I wasn't capable of understanding God's Word on my own. Maybe nobody could really know what the Bible said without others to interpret it for them. I seriously thought I was losing my mind.
Background: At this point in my life, we were living on a ranch 20 minutes from the nearest town. I played piano at the nearest church (ten miles away), but the sermons were very shallow, and often based on misconstrued facts. There was no opportunity for growth or spiritual development there.
Because of choices my Dad made, we were soon without transportation, relying on the kindness of friends who would drive two hours round trip to take us where we needed to go. That made it nearly impossible to attend church at all.
We then moved to a different ranch which was 30 miles from the nearest town, and this time not only could we not travel legally, but we also seldom had a car that worked. Still totally reliant on our friends for transportation, but now further out than before, causing greater hardship on them.
I wanted to get a job to help the family, but we all (although I was changing on it) believed women belong at home, and thus I was not the one to be getting a job - but at the same time, it was decided, by the other members of the family, that getting an outside job wasn't something any of us should do. That God would provide our needs with, or without a job, and thus having jobs would only be a waste, and take away time we needed for other things.
God began convicting me on Hebrews 10:25, forsaking not the assembling of ourselves together. When I brought that up to the family, the response I got was basically, "where two or three are gathered, there am I in the midst" (Matthew 18:20), which means every time we were together as a family, we were having church, and therefore didn't *need* to attend a church of any kind, although if one can, that's great. Nothing against going to church, it just isn't necessary. I couldn't go with that. That was a misinterpretation, and I couldn't reconcile it.
Being isolated as we were out there, our family became very closed-circuited. There was very little outside influence, so any interpretation of scripture became a valid one, because no one was there to question or admonish.
They began listening to preachers online that labeled themselves as "an expert in the mystic realms of God". These guys were very deeply into spiritualism, and focused more on angels than they did on God Himself. Whenever I questioned the sanity of listening to these people, I was met with the argument that, since I wasn't personally listening to every lecture, I couldn't possibly find fault with them.
At that time, I began to pull inside. I didn't talk to my friends (all of whom were online, since I couldn't go anywhere) about any of this. We continued to hash out what we believed and why, but I never mentioned this mental turmoil I was in, because I had convinced myself it was rebellion, and I had to kill it.
In July of 2014 I rode to Iowa with some friends, and visited my Grandma and Uncle. During that visit, I saw just how much they needed someone there to help them. They both had various health issues that put them in a position of needing an extra hand once in a while, and it only made sense for one of us to move in with them, and be there full time.
With the growing tensions at home, I volunteered to be the one to move. I saw it as a way to fulfil responsibility, and remove myself from the unpleasant situation at home.
That was the first time I even thought about leaving home, and even then, the plan was to stay under Dad's authority, and in the event something should happen to relieve the responsibility in Iowa or other arrangements be made, I would return home.
At the end of July I began posing the question to Dad if I could go be with my Grandma and Uncle, pointing out that someone needed to go, and I seemed to be the only one really in a position to be able to go.
What I thought was a simple question that would required a simple response turned into an unforeseen, and rapid escalation of tension.
I had learned over the past few years leading up to this point, that it was best to avoid the topic of doctrine altogether, as it was a sore spot for all of us, and only caused fights. But Dad's stance on drivers license and insurance was also a sore spot, as I was the only one that didn't support it fully. I didn't have a license, but they knew I had no problem with getting one, and that didn't sit well with the rest of the family.
When I asked about moving to Iowa, even temporarily - I was suddenly accused of wanting to leave home because I thought they were all "heretics" and "breaking the law". It got so bad, I would come in the house after taking a walk, not say a word, just start in with some chore, and one of them would start accusing - and eventually I would attempt to defend myself, and it would blow up from there.
I have the best family in the world. I wouldn't trade them for anything. It was the hardest decision I ever made, to leave home. They are not bad people by any stretch. Those of you who know them will agree with that. But isolation and extreme tension does things to people, and we all reached our breaking point.
At that time I still hadn't said anything to my friends. I still thought I wasn't capable of understanding scripture for myself, or there wouldn't be this kind of disagreement.
After my mild, sweet brother began the accusations, I cracked. He wasn't the kind to argue. He was the peacemaker in our house. Any time there was the slightest disagreement, he would try to see both sides, and help solve the differences. When he began accusing instead of trying set things straight, I couldn't take any more.
Up to this point, all the changes I had been making, were being blamed on my "online friends", because I agreed with the family until I had met those people. They were seen as troublemakers, and often accused of causing our family problems.
One day I had had enough, and deleted my account. One of the girls noticed, and began questioning me as to why I had done that. I finally broke down and told her what was going on. This was the first of August 2014.
She and I talked a great deal all that month. I was put in touch with various church leaders I could ask council of. Council was asked, plans were made, and I still didn't want to move. I still thought it was rebellious for me to leave home. One day she challenged me to show her where in scripture it says a girl can't leave home until she is married. I couldn't find it anywhere. Not even in principle or the slightest hint. It just isn't there.
One day as I was still wrestling over if I should leave or not; we were having family Bible time. Someone made a comment on how I always interpret things differently than the rest of them, and that's why I wanted to leave home, and get away from the "heretics". That hadn't been our topic of conversation, so I was rather surprised at it. As the conversation continued, Dad said something that indicated fathers are responsible for what their children believe. I said "no, fathers are responsible for what they teach their children, the children are responsible for their own beliefs." Dad got kind of angry and said "I am responsible for what you believe. And you're believing wrong."
That did it.
I went straight to the computer, and told the guys that I had had on "standby" for a week that they needed to come as soon as possible. There was never going to be any end to tension as long as it was believed I was not the master of my own conscience.
I never left from the attitude of "Smash the Patriarchy" or "Women's Rights". I left because I believe the Bible teaches each person is responsible to know what God's Word says, and to live life accordingly. If that is not allowed, then it's time to relocate to where it is possible. No one can govern your conscience but you. No matter how dear a figure - such as a father - they have no say over your conscience, and cannot force you to live according to theirs.
I did not leave because I hate my family or because they were abusive.
I did not leave because I needed a change of scenery.
I did not leave because I believed Patriarchy was to be abolished (although there is a ton wrong with it as a whole, and it's not being taught the way it's outlined in Scripture).
I left because I believe I am the one that has to answer to God for my actions, not my father.
I left for religious freedom.
Since I left home, I never told many of my online bunch that I had, and I've explained my reasons to very few people, simply because I thought it would bring shame on my family if I did tell. The only explanation I offered for a very long time, was that my Grandma and Uncle needed someone here with them, and I was the one most available to come. Just in the last year I've started telling people the real reason.
Not because I want to make my family look bad - but because I see other girls leaving home because "smash the patriarchy" and all that. I see others have a partial idea of what happened, and it's being misinterpreted.
I don't want my story to be license for other girls to rush off and leave home foolishly. If there is no problem with staying at home, by all means, do it. There is nothing sweeter in your single years, than being a stay at home daughter. I often wish I could go back to it. There's so much to be learned from it. But being a stay at home daughter should never be something to hide behind in order to avoid personal responsibility - that's what it was for me. As long as I believed a girl is *subject* to her father on all levels while she is home, I didn't *have* to take responsibility for my own beliefs and actions. Never use your time at home as a cop-out. But don't throw it away just because you have the freedom to do what you want. Choose wisely, seek council, and pray incessantly. Freedom is a gift from God to be stewarded, not squandered.
Hopefully that explains things sufficiently.
