In writing, my words are just that. Words. My thoughts are taken at face value, for what they are; even valued more.
In person: you can see my face. You can hear my voice. And that terrifies me - for one reason: In person, my thoughts aren't taken at face value - they are now run though the "Fat Filter".
The "Fat Filter" is simply preconceived notions about overweight people. The (usually) unspoken idea that "fat people are lazy", "fat people are only concerned about food" - and therefore, we are seen as "abnormal" or less than desirable.
Before you go into the whole spiel on how "that's not true", "I don't think that way" - let me say this: I run into this mindset everywhere I go. Many are not consciously aware they are doing it, but they are just the same.
I am far less serious in person because, even when the person being addressed is smiling, and agreeing with what is being said - their eyes are scanning up and down, head to toe; and you can see them begin to judge your words based on your shape and size.
Lately I've been hearing a lot of "You're always so calm, but you seem to have a lot going on", or "You're always smiling; I wouldn't deal with things so well if it was me."
Honestly. It's a defense.
Fat people are seen as wimps. Cry-babies. Over sensitive. I've been seen that way my whole life. So, in a defense against that kind of thinking, I've learned to shut off all emotions that aren't "happy".
I've been told that because I'm "fat and ugly" no guy is ever going to want me. So, I've trained myself to "hate" anything remotely romantic. I've trained myself to see all guys as brothers so that I can't be hurt when they marry someone prettier than me; so they won't be embarrassed by me liking them. Because as a "fat person" I have no right to hope someone could love me like that.
In trying to seem disinterested, I've become very cynical. My defense didn't keep me from getting hurt. It still hurts horribly when guys I like just walk out of my life for seemingly no reason. All I've accomplished is annoying other people, and adding to my own hurt.
I've shut off all emotions to the point where the only "emotion" I can show is "happy" or "cheerful". I can't allow myself to be bothered by things, because that's being "weak" and "over sensitive", so I laugh everything off as if it's really no big deal.
I've shut off all emotions to the point where the only "emotion" I can show is "happy" or "cheerful". I can't allow myself to be bothered by things, because that's being "weak" and "over sensitive", so I laugh everything off as if it's really no big deal.
I've been rejected so many times - because I'm fat (for all I know), that now I'm terrified of expressing my thoughts on anything serious - in person - because I'm afraid of further rejection.
Behind all the smiles and giggles is a finely shredded heart that quivers at every glance from other people: but fat people are seen as over sensitive, so I hide behind smiles in an effort to shake off the affects of such thinking.
I guess my point here is: let's get over stereotypes. Let's accept that All people are created equal: even fat ones.
Now that I've explained myself. Rant over.
