Pride, Fear, And...Forgiveness?

 Here I sit, with tears in my eyes.  The pain is too much to hold them in... but the pride is too much to let them out.   What's right? 

 Is it right to cry?   Isn't it a weakness? Isn't it an insult?   How is it relying on God, if you can't even hide tears? 

 If you let out the tears, and others see... what then?  If you can hide the emotion, then nobody else is bothered, and the only place you have to turn is to God.  Right? 

 But what about tears being a natural relief?  What about them helping/soothing?  God gave the ability to cry for a reason. Is it a sin not to cry? 

 Is crying really the issue?  I think not. Rather, the issue is pride.  

 It seems there should be nothing left of pride with all that has happened.  There always comes a breaking point... and I reached it months ago.  Why this pride still? 

 When you're sweeping the floor, merrily singing, thinking about the next job that has to be done, and you look up... right at a picture you had forgotten was there. A picture you wish you never had... yet could never do without.   The picture of a dear friend, from years ago... the picture of a face that was ever bright, and happy. A face that ever beamed life, and enthusiasm. Eyes that were full of innocence and truth.   That face that is now covered in guilt, and shame. Those eyes that once spoke truth and innocence, are now dead, and empty.  The face that was the picture of life and youth; now looks ten years older, and has a deadness to it.  That picture is of one who was the living example of honor and truth.... that picture is all that's left of them. And it brings memories to mind that nearly kill you from the overwhelming pain of loss. 

 Suddenly the tears well up, and blind you.  It was sudden, and unexpected.  But it's showing weakness to allow those tears to fall. So there you are frantically blinking back the tears, and hurriedly going on with your work, trying to forget... trying to act as if nothing were wrong.  

 Is that right?  Is it being strong? Or is it being stubborn and prideful? 

 I'm ashamed to say... it's being stubborn and prideful.   Sure, we must be strong for others.  But being "strong" (properly called "stubborn") when there is no one to be strong for?  That's pure pride.  It's pure idiocy. 

 Good grief, even Jesus wept!  He wept over the loss of a friend! He cried in front of people!   
 It's not wrong to show emotion, if it's honest grief, and not just putting on a show to get sympathy.  

 It is possible to cry, and still be strong.  Crying strengthens.   It's a "pressure release valve".  
 You can only build up so much pressure before something explodes.  And honestly, you have to pity the poor person that happens to be there when it blows! 

 It's so much better to quietly release some of the grief, than to hide it all away, just to "blow up" at someone later on. 

 I used to think I would be an exception to the rule. - Well, I'll be tough, and not cry, no matter what. It can be done, and I'll do it. - Hog wash!   It doesn't work.   We're all the same. 

 Pride is stupid, and I am if I retain it. 

 Pride (in me) stems from fear.  I'm always fearing what others will think. What others will say.   But what does it matter? All that matters is what God thinks, what God says.  

 That's not to say we should just live our lives how we want, and think; Oh, well God knows my heart, so it doesn't matter what others think.    No. That's not it at all.   We're to live according to God's word, and be honorable, diligent, truthful, faithful. All of those things.   We are to have a clean conscience before God. But our lives are to reflect the image of Christ to those around us. 

 In all that's happened, I've been blaming myself for things beyond my control.  Things that were never my burden to carry, and I've been carrying them.   I've been trying to do God's job! 

 In trying to bear these burdens that were never mine to bear, I've been basically telling God that I can't trust Him to deal with it.   Which comes back to pride.   

 When I realize that I can't bear these things, then I feel a total failure because I couldn't do it.   And I have trouble forgiving myself.  And since I can't forgive myself, I have trouble accepting forgiveness of others.    I don't feel worthy of forgiveness. 

 I know what I am. I don't deserve forgiveness. 

 God has been bringing me to the point where I see I've got to forgive others, no matter what it is. I can't hold it against them. It's not right. 

 So why do I hold it against myself? Why do I not forgive myself?  Doesn't that go right along with forgiving others? 

 Here's why I don't forgive myself.  Because it seems totally selfish to think of self at all.  It seems totally wrong to say/think anything good about oneself.   So, therefore it would be equally wrong to forgive myself, because that would be something good towards me, and it's not deserved; it's totally selfish, so it's wrong.  (Don't ask why on any of that. I've already traced the thoughts back this far, and it's absolutely annoying how stupid it is. There is no desire to find just how shallow it really is) 

 As a dear friend pointed out. That's an insult to God.  That in itself is wrong. 

 It's extremely humbling to trace your thoughts all the way back, and find just how shallow you really are.  It's extremely annoying to find just how silly it all is.   But if we don't get to the root of the problem, there will never be any fixing it.  

 Oh, to be humble, and willing enough to let Christ do His work in me. 

 I've been SO blessed to have friends, who when they had every right to walk away from me, and shun me for my stupidity, and lack of wisdom; chose to forgive me.  

 This one thing that was said, is something I, myself have said before... but never could expect to hear myself.   "Please know that I completely forgive you, and I hold nothing against you."
 Isn't that what God does too? 

 Something a friend said that really struck me... "I've come to realize that many people esteem me much higher than they would if they saw what was in my mind." How true. And how easily I forget that.

 With a God like Him, and the sort of friends He sends, what is there to fear? Why let pride rear it's ugly head?   God is so good to those who love Him. :)  

  Now, having said all of that, if you'll excuse me, I believe it's time for a good cry.  ;)


                    Hallie

Hey! Why Is Everyone Still Living?!

 EVERYBODY STOP!!!!! Can't you see the world has ended?! There's nothing left! There's no point in going on! STOP!!  What's wrong with people that they can go on after the world has ended?! 

 It's been forever since I did anything with my blog... and SO much has happened.  There's no way to fit it all in one post, so I might be a while jotting down all I've learned in the last month.  One thing is for sure; even with all the pain, it was worth it.  It was worth it, because God taught me things I never would have learned without these trials. 

 This last month - I can safely say - has been the hardest of my life.   But through the trials and hardships God shows Himself strong, and He "works in ways I cannot see" but they are God's perfect way. I can trust Him. 

 It seems everything that can go wrong, has.  But the thing that has hurt the most is losing two of my best friends. 

 Two friends that knew what was right, that had encouraged me, and others in the right.  Two of the greatest "siblings" there ever was.... two dearest friends that outright lied to me, and to others.   

 After all the talks we had, after all that they said they stood for. All that they helped others make a stand for... they rejected it themselves, and turned from the right.... all in an instant almost.  How? Why?!  What caused it?  Was it me?  Did I fail them somewhere? 

 Just a few months ago I could truthfully say this about both of them.... 

When I enter Heaven's glory

And I see my Savior's face,

I will offer Him ten thousand years of praise.

Then I'll find that special one

In whose life I saw God's Son, 

And thru tears of joy with trembling lips these words I'll say:

"I saw Jesus in you,

I saw Jesus in you,

I could hear His voice in the words you said--

I saw Jesus in you.  

In your eyes I saw His care,

I could see His love was there.

You were faithful, 

And I saw Jesus in you."

 The part that gets me most... "You were faithful, and I saw Jesus in you..." not anymore. Why not?  Why is faithfulness something that is not practiced anymore?    If we are to follow Christ's example - He was faithful - wasn't He?  Why then do we not remain faithful to His cause? To His standard? To His people? 

 There are so many questions swirling through my mind right now.... What happened? Was it me? What did I do? How do I fix it? Where did I go wrong? Did I not encourage them enough? - you name it.  I've been agonizing over them.   Why did this happen?  Why did two of the greatest people suddenly go down?  Why TWO at the same time?! 

 I think the main question going through my mind right now is - Is there repentance for them anymore? or was that it... is there no "second chance"? 

I dreamed I had gone to that cityThat city where never comes nightAnd I saw the bright angels in gloryI saw the fair mansions of lightI gazed for long, long years of raptureOn the face of my Savior so trueAnd I sang with the seraphim holyThen I dreamed I searched Heaven for you.

ChorusI dreamed I searched Heaven for youSearched vainly through Heaven for youOh won't you prepare to meet me up there?Lest we should search Heaven for you.
I looked on both sides of the riverThat flows through the city of GodI searched through bright mansions celestialAnd streets of gold pavement I trodThe faces of saints by the millionI scanned in my yearning to seeThat face I had cherished so fondlyThe face that had grown dear to me.
I asked of ten thousand sweet angelsHave you seen this beloved one, pray tell?Have you met in the bright courts of HeavenThat one whom on earth we loved well?They shook their heads sadly and told meThat they had not seen you, and thenI knew that somewhere in the darknessYou wandered, lost in your sin

 I trusted these two implicitly.  I knew I could.  The one had proved it to me over, and over again that they could be trusted.   But where I went wrong was that I was trusting them more than I was trusting God.  That's one of the most fatal mistakes. 

 As is becoming my normal... I have latched onto another of Ron Hamilton's songs in all of this....

 Abba, Father

Father, hold me safe in Your arms;

Father keep me free from all harm.

I cast my care on You Just like a child should do 

Trusting, loving all that You are.

Abba Father, I rest in You;

You're always faithful, 

You're always true.

Abba, Father, You are my song

Though clouds are dark, 

Though night is long. 

I cry to You, Abba Father.

Father, help me lean on You more 

Through each valley, through ev'ry storm

Help me when I can't see Your will is best for me;

Love me, hold me sheltered and warm.

Abba Father, I rest in You;

You're always faithful, 

You're always true.

Abba, Father, You are my song

Though clouds are dark, 

Though night is long. 

I cry to You, Abba Father.

Father, mold me, make me like new, 

Guide my footsteps, keep my heart true

So that the world may see your like-ness lives in me.

Break me,  shape me, make me like You.

Abba Father, I rest in You;

You're always faithful, 

You're always true.

Abba, Father, You are my song

Though clouds are dark, 

Though night is long. 

I cry to You, Abba Father.

That song is so true for me right now... "Father, help me lean on You more, Through each valley, through ev'ry storm" "You're always faithful, You're always true"  Oh if I could only remember that always.  Oh that I would fully trust Him, and let Him guide me; rather than looking to others in times of trial, and hardship. 

 Friendship is one of the greatest gifts from God... but I was misusing it.  Oh shame to me that I allowed myself to do such a thing!  Rather than relying on God, and being a service to others, I've been relying on others, and being of no service to God. 

 

 You don't realize just how much you love someone, until you lose them... then you see how much you depended on them, rather than God. 

 I don't want to go on relying on others.  Partly because I can't handle the hurt anymore.... But mostly because I want to be pleasing to my Lord. And to be pleasing to Him, I have to follow His commands; and His commands are to trust Him, and be faithful to His cause.   I can't trust Him if I'm not relying on Him. 

When I stand before my Father

To receive my life's reward, 

And my soul is bathed in God's eternal day,

When this race on earth is run,

And God sees the works I've done,

More than anything I long to hear my Father say:

"I saw Jesus in you,

I saw Jesus in you,

I could hear His voice in the words you said--

I saw Jesus in you.  

In your eyes I saw His care,

I could see His love was there.

You were faithful, 

And I saw Jesus in you."

 I can't answer for these two friends.  I can't say what's in their hearts anymore... tho' at one point I probably could have.  But I can, and must answer for me.  Regardless of if they stayed faithful or not, I have to.   

 One thing for certain... God has shown me the importance of faithfulness.  And by God's grace I will remain faithful to Him, and to His people.  No. Matter. What.  

 There comes a point when you have to choose to love someone.  I'm at that point.  And as Mom says "come hell or high water" I'm going to do what's right. I'm going to go God's way. I'm going to love them in spite of all that has happened.  I can't choose for them. I can't explain why they did what they did. But I can make sure I don't fall in the same pit. 

 Alright. I suppose everything is alright. God is in control.  You may all go back to whatever you were doing.  ;) 

   

         Trusting Him

               Hallie

Oh To Be Like... Grass?

 Yes, the title looks strange... but so am I. So there you have it ;)

 Just today I asked God to show me something in all of this mess... these messes. (I can never keep it down to just one mess... :P)  This is what came to mind...

 Grass: It grows everywhere.   We use it to feed our animals; to help stop erosion; to make our lawns pretty.  It's something soft to walk on.  It's pretty.

 Ever think about how the grass grows?  

 We walk on it.  Yet it springs back and still grows....
 We cut it continually.  Yet it grows...
 The wild winds blow over it and lay it flat. Yet it stands up tall again as if nothing happened...
 The wild fires burn it.  Yet it always grows back... grows better, and greener...

 When we walk on it, it gets crushed flat.  Goodness, can you imagine the weight issue there? It's so much smaller than us.  When it gets crushed, I mean, it's crushed.  But it always comes up again...

 So should we when trials come.  We get crushed flat... but God still wants us to grow.  We still have to spring back, and keep growing.

 We cut the grass... the tips we cut off go down by the roots and go back into the soil.  The nutrients that went into the tips now go back into the soil, and make growing conditions better.   But that's not to say getting cut so often doesn't hurt...

 God is always having to cut off our "tips" so we'll grow right. So we'll be fit for His purpose.  It hurts!! But it has to be done.  Those things help us to grow in Him.

 The wild winds blow over the grass... yet after each gust, it stands up tall again. Just to be knocked over with the next... The wind lays it flat.  Sometimes even cracks it off at the base.  But what's left always stands back up...   Some stems stand tall no matter how hard the blast... they just stand there and quiver.  
 There is no protection from the wind when it's out on the prairie.  It stands fully exposed.  When the wind hits it, over it goes... but it never stays over.  Never.

 When the winds of sorrow, and trouble sweep over us, we're laid flat.  It looks like the end... but through God's strength we can stand up tall again, and glorify Him.
 Whatever gets cracked off was meant to be. It wasn't good for that to stay. It hurts! But what's left of us needs to pick ourselves back out of the dirt, and praise Him anyway.

 Some of us just stand in the "wind and storm" and quiver... some are just stronger that way.  But there will come a time of calm after the storm when the quivering stops, and there is rest.

 God doesn't always shield us from the "winds" or sorrow, or trouble. But He always sees us through. Always.

 The fires come raging through the field, and burn up the grass. There is nothing left... but roots.  And it always grows back better, and greener.  It comes back healthier.
 The fire burns off the dead, and dry. The unneeded, unwanted stems.  It burns off all that is visible of the plant.  But when the fire comes it burns all that to ash, which goes back into the soil and helps the grass to grow better.

 When the fiery trials come, it burns off the dross.  All the unneeded, icky sins, unwanted impurities. All the faults and foibles... and all the energy and hard work that has gone into "growing" those, goes back into our "roots"....... we grow better because of it. We learn from it.


 All that the grass goes through... yet it's silent.  It never screams out at God for making it that way.  It never screams out at God for allowing it get walked on and crushed. It never complains about the wind and the fire.  It never complains about being trimmed.  It just silently grows, and continues to serve Him with everything in it.

 So, back to the title... Oh to be like grass!

 To go through trials and testings, and never complain.
 Never worry.
 Never falter.

 Just stand up again.
 And Keep. Growing.


       Hallie

Waiting... Still...

 So, everything has flipped upside down.   My worst fears are happening right before my eyes.... I can't do a thing about it... just have to stand back and watch. 

 The world could end today and I wouldn't care.    The pain is so intense.... yet I feel nothing... how can that be? 

 There is nothing left... and yet it's still being taken away.   Thought I had surrendered... why this? 

 When you give your all, where does God find the "more" to be purged? 

 Walking as one in a fog.  I feel like the "end" has come... but the worst is yet to be. 

 How can it get worse?  It's like walking in a fog, uncertain of where the cliff is. You know you're close... but can't stop walking. 

 Waiting for the "crash"... but through it all God has given such a peace. 

 I'm not one to give in, and cry. I'm not one to admit defeat.  But this has driven me weeping, to my knees so often of late. 

 How many times can one be broken before it kills them?  How many times does one have to give their all, before it's enough? 

 God has brought me to the "breaking point" and I feel crushed beneath the weight of the load I have to bear.  But at the same time He keeps showing my he's right here... He's helping to carry it.  I'm not alone... my Savior walks beside me....

 This passage really stood out to me.  It speaks exactly what I feel, and think. 

 Psalm 55:4-8

My heart is sore pained within me: and the terrors of death are fallen upon me.
Fearfulness and trembling are come upon me, and horror hath overwhelmed me.
And I said, Oh that I had wings like a dove! for then would I fly away, and be at rest.
Lo, then would I wander far off, and remain in the wilderness. Selah.
I would hasten my escape from the windy storm and tempest.

 And these verses really got me...

 Psalm 55:12-14

 For it was not an enemy that reproached me; then I could have borne it: neither was it he that hated me that did magnify himself against me; then I would have hid myself from him:
But it was thou, a man mine equal, my guide, and mine acquaintance.
We took sweet counsel together, and walked unto the house of God in company.

 In all the pain, I've been forced to cry out for help.  And He has answered me.... not only with that still small voice... but with scriptures.  Verses that come up in conversation; verses that I see at random flipping through the Bible; verses that come in random emails; verses in random places.  They all confirm to me that God hears, and answers prayer. And He's answering this one too....

 Verses such as these....

Psalm 21:1-2

The king shall joy in thy strength, O Lord; and in thy salvation how greatly shall he rejoice!

Thou hast given him his heart's desire, and hast not withholden the request of his lips. Selah.

 Psalm 145:19

He will fulfil the desire of them that fear him: he also will hear their cry, and will save them.

 Romans 8:27-28

And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God.
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.


 And with those verses came this "message"... "Prayer in the spirit is a powerful weapon"  Yes... yes it is...

 Anymore it seems easier to just give up and walk away... but it says in Phillipians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

 I will carry on.  I have the promise in Isaiah 41:10 Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.

 God is good, and He is still in control... it may hurt. It may seem like the "end"... but He keeps whispering to me "It's not over... I'm still in this. I'm still in control. Wait, and see. Be still and know that I am God."

 1 Samuel 12:7
Now therefore stand still, that I may reason with you before the Lord of all the righteous acts of the Lord, which he did to you and to your fathers.

 Ruth 3:18
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. 

 Psalm 46:10
Be still and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.

Psalm 37:34
Wait on the Lord, and keep his way, and he shall exalt thee to inherit the land: when the wicked are cut off, thou shalt see it.


   Still serving the Father.
     Hallie

Prentiss Poem

 A friend posted this poem... Mrs. Prentiss had a way of saying exactly what I feel, and have been learning. :)

The Safe Place

I went to Jesus with a prayer
      Upon a suppliant's knee;
Low at His cross I laid me down,
      Nor asked His face to see,
Yet whispered in His ear the tale
      No mortal ear could bear:
The story of a faithless heart,
      And of its self-despair.

I told Him how my feet had slipped,
      How often gone astray;
How oft my heart refused to love,
      My lips refused to pray.
In stammering words that none but He
      Hearing could understand,
I made complaint of careless work
      Done by a careless hand.

Of wasted hours, of idle words,
      Of love oft waxing dim,
Of silence when a warmer heart
      Had testified of Him.
I owned my weak and selfish ways;
      How often all day long,
Moanings and sighs had filled His ears
      To whom I owed a song.
And what said He? What whispered words
      Responded unto mine?
Did He reproach me? Did His love
       On me refuse to shine?

Nay, thus He spoke, and bent Him low
      To reach my anxious ear,
My child, thou doest well to lie
      As thou art lying here ;
I knew thy human weakness, knew
      Each lurking bosom sin,
Knew it, and yet in loving grace
      Thy heart I stooped to win.

I knew that thou wouldst often fall,
      Poor work for Me wouldst do,
Wouldst give Me only half thy love,
      Give praises faint and few.
And yet I choose thee. Be content
      And since thou canst not fly
To heights by dearer souls attained,
      Let it suffice to lie

Here at My feet; it is the place
      To which My loved ones flee;
They find it sweet, and so shalt thou;
      'Tis a safe place for thee.
Yes, it is sweet, and it is safe!
      And here will I abide;
Sinful, and yet forgiven, sad,
      And yet so satisfied.

~ Elizabeth Prentiss