I think of you often, and long to speak to you - but for some reason that only God knows, that may never be. While I know it's silly to write to someone who isn't - yet - sometimes I think it's the only way to keep my heart from exploding.
You see, you've lived in my heart for such a long time. It's as if I know you - without ever having seen you. In the eye of my heart I can see your dimpled hands reaching toward me, and the gentle breeze ruffling your wispy blonde hair.
It seems circumstances are keeping us apart, and there's no way of knowing if that will ever change.
There's always someone to tell me "it's not worth the risk", or "you can always adopt", as if that's somehow the same, or that it's an easy choice to make.
To them it's a simple surgery. To me, it's choosing my life over yours.
So often your mischievous little grin gets between my eyes and my work, and I long to just scoop you up and hold your soft, chubby little self all day.
For years I've been collecting clothes and toys for you.
For years I've been building a library for you: children's books, fanciful stories, histories, grammars in several languages. So many books, on so many topics, because I don't know yet what your interests will be, so I'm trying to cover them all.
For years I've known your name.
Some months ago I gave in to the pressure, and signed the forms to get the surgery. But ever since, all I see is your big, sad, grey/blue eyes looking at me, almost pleadingly. I chickened out, and never scheduled, because it feels like killing you - and that's not something I can do.
I've struggled for so long, wondering why God has chosen to keep us apart? How does He get any glory from this? How do empty arms please Him?
I've heard so many stories of how God used some of the most broken people to bring Him glory - but where do I fit in that? Isn't there enough brokenness in my life already, that He could use? Why do you have to be the sacrifice?
It's a grief, a loss, that feels wrong to have, because you're not real - you've only ever been in my heart.
But - if you're so deeply in my heart - could it be you're in God's heart too......?
If He let me love you for this long, He clearly had a reason for it, and maybe it was so I could love others better? Maybe I needed to experience another loss, so I could better understand others when they are grieving?
It's so hard to let go of something/someone I've never held. But you've been in my heart this long, and there you will always be.
Others may never see your face, or hear your name - but I know it, and what it means: and you truly are a gift from God - even if only in my dreams.
I may never hold you in my arms, but as long as I'm alive, you'll live on inside my heart.
No one is truly gone as long as there is someone to remember them.
And don't worry baby, I've always felt you were real. And to me, you always will be.
